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2023-08-09 - 5:39 p.m.
Yesterday I drove to Kalamazoo to be with my mom and brother to spread the ashes of my brother's dead father. It's all a horrible story and there's still a lot of drama happening. But we got his ashes scattered and the three of us had a good sense of closure, I think. I think we all harbor, all these years later, a lot of anger towards that man. And the fact that we also have to be really sad about him, too? That doesn't make the anger any better. I'm furious that I'm so sad about this whole thing. On top of being furious about having a physically abusive man in my life (he never touched me, just beat my mom and all his subsequent girlfriends up) for so many years. He was my brother's dad. And, until my brother was old enough to decide to not see him anymore (after his dad beat another woman in front of my brother), he was a good dad to my brother in some sense. He never missed child support or picking my brother up for his custody days. He had a sweet heart underneath the awfulness of the things he did. I'm pretty sure I'll be in therapy for the rest of my life because of the things I saw him do. But I do think he was good at the very core of his soul. He just had some serious problems. Anyway. My commute to Kalamazoo is becoming ridiculously annoying. Michigan is pure construction. It's seriously f'd up. When I arrived in Kalamazoo yesterday, after an absolutely horrible drive there, I was even more angry than usual. I didn't even take my brother out for fried pickles after "the ceremony". I just got back in my car and put in my address and avoid highways into my map thing. And it added an extra hour and twenty minutes...but, let me tell you something. It was amazing and exactly what I needed to do. I went through little towns and saw so many vast fields. And there were actual slots of time where I didn't have rampant traffic around me. It made me very cognizant of the fact that I don't want to live in this area any longer. I want to go back to farmland USA. I was rather euphoric driving though all those little towns and not having a billion people around me. The second I got to my current area of this state, my heart broke and all that happy feeling went away. That's not good. It's time to move.
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