2009-05-04 - 12:17 p.m.

I held it together this morning, by concentrating very hard on not crying, on being tough. I held it together so much that I managed to give myself a coldsore, which sprang to blistering life while I was sitting across the desk from the veterinarian who will be, possibly at this very minute, giving my Bubby cat a radioactive tablet of iodine at some point today. After which point we just wait. We wait to make sure he doesn't puke it up (which would be $400 puke) and then, if he doesn't puke it up, we wait to make sure he doesn't just drop dead. All the while I am not allowed to see him. I have to leave him there until Friday morning and I can't even go there to peek through a window or anything. I am, however, allowed to call at 10 am everyday to check on him. Anyway, I held it together until it came time to say goodbye to him. I cried in the room with him until the stupid receptionist came in and kind of rudely told me that they needed to get the process rolling and could I please come up front and pay my thousand dollars? They told me at the front desk to not worry, that they would spend lots of time with him and then I said, "I AM WORRIED," and started sobbing again. Like a fucking moron. So then I drove, all tearstained and becoldsored, towards home and in my misery totally didn't realize that I had missed my road by about 20 miles (not an exaggeration).

And Eric is going on an airplane today.

So I'm all kinds of wrecked right now.

I may just curl up in bed and read for the rest of the day.


In other news.

There is a kitten living in my house right now. I'm trying to find him a home but I've gotten way too attached to him and won't let him go to just anybody now. He plays fetch for gods sake.

Eric is gone for three days. I am planning to tear the house apart and clean. It is something I cannot do when he is around for a number of reasons.

I had a very expensive cat month this past month. I mean, VERY EXPENSIVE. In addition to this radioactive iodine shit ($1500), Oscar had to have teeth pulled last week ($500) and I've had two kittens neutered and tested and blah blah blah (another $500). I am broke now. Actually I am over broke. I'm in debt now, my overbroke-ness is sitting on plastic now. I'll be freaking out until it's paid off. I might be so freaked out about this that I will get a third job. It is very necessary, this year, for us to get in better financial shape. We are sinking. I think it's time for me to take control.

Dire. I feel dire today.

That is all.


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