2009-04-18 - 10:51 a.m.

Things are frustrating right now. I think I am pretty angry. And frustrated. But I’m not talking about any of this. I am piling it away with the other things I am not speaking about. Because I believe that even without my intervention these things will eventually resolve. I believe that people need to learn for themselves. People need to make their own decisions. So it is best if I just let them do that organically. That’s all I am saying.

In other news. I’ve been having dreams lately in which Eric confronts me about my lack of organization and my slovenliness. In one dream he started drawing chalk lines on the floor to show me precisely where things should be. In last night’s installation he wanted me to start labeling the garbage with the date it was last changed. A few nights ago I dreamed that he left me for a “better” wife who knew how to keep things clean. He didn’t want me to move out, though. So he gave me the basement to live in and I could keep it was messy as I wanted but I wasn’t really allowed upstairs because I would mess things up. In the dream he and I were best friends but I was secretly plotting to get rid of his “better” wife because I couldn’t stand him being married to someone else.

In other other news. We were totally played by a neighborhood stray cat. (at least, I suspect he is a stray) He has been around since we moved in a year ago but he never came anywhere near us. A couple weeks ago, when it was really, really cold and snowy, he decided that he was finally going to be my friend. His eye was all goopy and gross and I brought him in to sleep in the entry way and fed him can after can of Fancy Feast and gave him all the cat nip he could handle. He came back for the next couple nights. Then it got warm and his eye is all healed up. Now he comes to eat on the porch (as he has always done) but he is no longer letting me pet him. And is no longer waiting for me. He comes to eat and leaves. For those few friendly days he would wait on the porch until I came out to pet him. I am guessing that I won’t be able to pet him again until next winter.

My cat, Diamond, is having his thyroid tumor blasted out with radioactive iodine on May 4. It’s quite an ordeal. He will be gone for five days (I am not even allowed to visit) and then I am supposed to keep him isolated for another week after I bring him home due to the radioactivity he will be shedding. It’s gonna be fun. =(

This is a crappy entry.

I am going back on the birth control pill. This is a huge decision. When I went off the pill eight years ago everything went to hell. My skin started breaking out fiercely and I started having serious trouble with my monthly business. Like, totally interfering with normal life trouble. I was pissed off and blamed the pill for it all. I was convinced that it had messed my natural balance up and blah blah blah. So I vowed that I would never take it again. But that was eight years ago and my body is STILL messed up. So now I am pretty sure that my “natural balance” is messed up. And the pill will fix it. I usually trust the body to be right by itself, but not in this case. I kind of feel like I’ve totally wasted a lot of years now, suffering and having bad skin. Also a plus…the whole accidental pregnancy thing will essentially be impossible. And that is super good. If I have been sure about not wanting to have babies before…well, I am double sure now. We owe a stupid huge amount in taxes this year and we were already living within financial restrictions (I haven’t had a massage in over a year, for example. Eric isn’t traveling, I am not making very many big, fancy dinners with exotic, expensive ingredients and etcetera) so this is going to be a very very very bad year and if I wasn’t able to work it would be a devastating year. I’m keepin’ this boat afloat damnit!

What else? What else? What else?



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