2005-10-25 - 11:50 p.m.

Sometimes I think it would be much easier to have an actual human baby than it is to have cats.

Mind you, I am speaking from the perspective of someone who has never had a human child of their own and who loves her cats possibly more fiercely and thoroughly than some people love their own children...

I have one cat that got in a fight yesterday with the bully neighbor cat who thinks it's okay to come into this yard to hang out. OBVIOUSLY that isn't going to work. There was a huge showdown yesterday morning and then later my cat was over the wall and I am certain that bully cat attacked him because this particular cat of mine is not a fighter. He's a watcher. Anyway...his foot is all fucked up and I can't really take him to the vet unless it is absolutely necessary because he is totally uncooperative when it comes to anything regarding vet visits. So I tried all day yesterday to look at his foot (which he isn't walking on) and kept getting bitten so then I tried to give him an antibiotic so he at least won't get an infection and he kept coughing it up and drooling it out. FINALLY today I got a pill in him. I want to ask him if he's okay. I don't think it's serious but the worst part is I can't ask him...a kid I could ask or at least be able to LOOK.

And lately I am totally beside myself with worry about my two oldest cats. They will be 13 in a few months. There is nothing wrong, they are acting normal and happy and yet...I keep looking for signs of old age...sure that one of them is going to have a heart attack or kidney failure. I've hyper vigilent watching them.

And now there is this bird flu shit. I am not a flu freak. I always shrug this flu shit away...but all Eric had to say was, "You better watch your cats because if that flu gets her and your cats get a bird with it they are dead." So now I am running outside every five minutes during the day making cat checks to make sure none of them are eating a bird. My cats don't get a lot of birds...back in Michigan I kept them in during baby bird season because baby birds are the only birds they can catch. But if there was a SICK bird, say one with the bird flu, and sick bird wasn't moving around very well, MY CATS WOULD GET IT. THE SICK BIRD. I am absolutely terrified now. At least with a child I could tell them not to eat sick birds.

And...finding a babysitter for a human child is a lot easier than finding a babysitter for six cats.

And...when you are away from your human baby you can call it and tell it how much you miss it and human child can coo back at you. When I am away from my cats I leave stupid fucking messages on my answering machine thinking that they want to hear my voice (and my mother swore that they loved it when I did that but...)and all I ever want to do is be able to hear them say hello, we miss you too but we are okay.

Anyway...I am certain certain certain I would be an awful mother. I get so fucking freaked out and protective and I always want everything to be fat and lovable and happy. I'd have fat, albeit lovable, children who were sheltered and freaked out all the time. Terrible.

Speaking of friend who had a baby this past summer was talking about breastfeeding today and I was asking how long she planned to do it for and she started telling me that right now she just plans on one year because after one year there is this supposed natural weaning phase in a baby and that would be a good time because if you don't wean then the next supposed natural weaning phase comes at three and she's pretty sure she can't keep up with breastfeeding until her baby is three. And she, of course, wants the weaning process to be as natural as possible. But then she continued by telling me that her mother in law (who is a lactation something or other, some sort of lactation expert that's what she does for a living) says that there is anthropological evidence that children should be nursed until they are FOUR AND A HALF!!!!!!!!! What??????? Good lord. I am glad my friend isn't as crazy as I thought she might be.

I don't think I brushed my teeth today. It's a good thing I got married. Yesterday I realized that it had been like four days since I had washed my hair. Now I am not brushing my teeth and I've been wearing the same pajamas since Sunday and there is sweet potato soup dripped down the front of my sweatshirt and it's been there for two days, along with the glob of chocolate ice cream that fell there last night. I haven't left the house since dropping Eric off at the airport on Saturday and I am a complete slob, gross and disgusting and I have NO desire to do anything about it. At least I make sure not to be too disgusting when I have a husband present. I need my husband to come home.


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