2005-03-17 - 4:49 a.m.

The gym I had been going to three or four times a week closed down about six months ago. And I have since, not really joined another gym though I do go on occasion to the little gym here in my village. But for six months I have not been going to the gym, or exercising at all, near as often as I used to. And I have gained no weight. And I have gained no size and in fact think I am thinner than I was when I was going to the gym. This was confusing me...I went to the gym first because it helped my mental state. Second because I realize that muscle is important to health, and lastly because I wanted to never get fat.

What I am realizing is that I don't think I will ever get fat. Because if I am not going to the gym I don't eat as much. My body seems to know and tell me exactly how many calories it needs to maintain. It's almost disconcerting to me to realize that my body is in complete control of more than I had given it credit for.

Yesterday I went for a brisk 3 mile walk. I walked faster than I usually do because it was starting to rain. And when I got home I was STARVING. And I was confused by starving because I had already eaten what is usually, lately, my last meal of the day.

So what I have realized is that going to the gym costs a lot of money. Not just because of memberships and clothing and shoes...but because of the additional food I require.

I've been thinking about the sale of this house and I think I may have unintentionally manipulated those guys into buying it. You know, I have issues with my ability to manipulate. My father once said in a rage of fury that I was the most manipulative person he knew. I think I was like ten then. Anyway, I am aware that I am the most manipulative person on the planet...but since I was a young girl and accused of it I have tried to keep that under control. But when all that bidding shit was going on with the house and he placed his final bid of $52,000 I called back and left this message..."Hi! Just calling to let you know that 52 is way too low and I can't accept that. But I want to thank you guys for making an offer, you don't know how much that motivated me. And you two should come in and let me buy you breakfast, I'd really like to do that because for these five hours we have been back and forth I had the greatest amount of hope in me that I have had in a long time. Thanks again." And you know, when I hung up the phone I knew he would call back and offer me what I had lastly countered him with. Because that whole hope thing would get to him. And now I feel bad because I manipulated. But it was true. I was hopeful for the first time in a long, long while. And I was really grateful for those hours when I thought I was going to sell the house because it really motivated me and I got all that crazy getting the cats to Spain crap situated and scheduled. Something I had previously dinked around about. those hours I went to my vet and basically demanded that they pay attention to me and get this done and when they refused I called another vet. My vet refusing would have previously stopped me in my tracks and I would have moped about for a few days before trying other avenues. So I am grateful to them and their timing couldn't have been better. I want to leave here by the 25th of April and the cats have to have different shots because I screwed it all up somehow and those shots have to be in their system for at least thirty days. Imagine if these guys hadn't made me the offer and I waited to get the cats in until ten days before departure, which is what I was going to do since they need a health certificate issued ten days prior...I would have then found out that I needed to wait another 20 days. it manipulative if you tell someone exactly, truthfully, how you feel? I wasn't lying, but I also knew that what I had to say would get to them.

And I sold the house.

So that is good.


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