2005-03-16 - 9:27 a.m.

So the sell of this house is affecting me oddly…hardly at all. I mean, I have this great sense of freedom now…but other than that….I do not feel at all sad that these walls that have housed me, kept me comfortable, been painted many shades of crazy in the lat ten years don’t theoretically belong to me anymore. I don’t feel scared, I don’t feel stupid for selling this house for at least $15,000 less than I could have if I had held onto it and did some more work. In fact, I am really hoping that these guys make a killing on this house. And I feel so utterly free now. Everything worked out perfectly. I will now have enough money to pay off my land contract, pay off my debt, pay for a year’s supply of my facial cleanser…and I will walk away from here with virtually nothing and that is actually really, really okay with me. I, surprisingly, have absolutely no issue with that. I am actually happy about that. That I will have a clean slate. That I will have nothing because that will make me motivated to have something again. I will learn Spanish and when I come home I can teach Spanish. I will write stories and books and maybe someday get some money for that. I will go to school to learn hypnosis (if I can find a school close by) because that is something I have always wanted to do. I’ve been fostering the idea of being a hypnotist for years and years and about seven years ago I actually went so far as to apply to a school in Scotland to learn it (though I obviously never went). I want to be one of those hypnotists that use hypnosis to lessen pain in patients during surgery or childbirth. I will become an even better cook than I am now and then maybe when we return I can open a bed and breakfast like they have in Scotland where a grand dinner is served every night in addition to the grand breakfast. Of course, it will be vegetarian…but I want to become such a grand vegetarian cook that no one even notices that they didn’t just have a big, (nasty) juicy steak.

And it will be good for me to walk away with nothing because I, we, need to learn to be a little less decadent and indulgent. If I were walking away with a big chunk of money I might be tempted to look a little less discriminately at prices of things. I would resume my indulgent ways. I have learned, in the last year or two since I accrued so much debt flying back and forth working three months less a year than I have previously done, how to be frugal to almost a fault. I have learned how it is to have to WAIT to buy razor blades and have become less wasteful. A razor can last a lot longer than we indulgent people think. I have learned that there are some weeks when I cannot just drop $20 for movies on my day off because $20 when you are living on a very decreased salary is a lot of money. So I want to continue in my frugal ways…but not because I don’t have the money, but because I want to save money. My frugal ways right now are in place because I don’t have the money, at all, to be excessive. I want to live life with Eric, being frugal, and being able to save money from it.

Anyway…DEAREST KELSI…It’s okay that you are anti-cat. I was just joking about that not inviting you because you are anti-cat. You are always invited to visit me. I know you think all cats are irritating and dirty and ugly, that’s okay with me because I feel that same way about dogs. I hate dogs. At least, I hate dogs in the sense that I would never be able to live with them. I have loved my share of dogs in the years…Noodle, Abe, Riley, Khloe Bell, Shadow, Roger, Harpo, Ambrose, Violet, Pattycake and Sylvia…but if I had to live with a dog again, especially if it wasn’t my dog, I would probably openly complain about it (while nuzzling against the dog and giving it treats). I just wanted you to know that you will spend your whole trip to Spain (except when we are swimming in the sea and eating baked provolone cheese with big crusty bread in a restaurant and looking at Gaudi buildings in Barcelona) with a pile of cats on your lap. You should prepare for that.

Yesterday I was really excited about having the day off today. I kept telling everyone that I was sleeping until I got up and drinking coffee until I was done. For some reason they thought that was hilarious. But it’s true. I did sleep until I woke up and I am now drinking coffee until I am done. Talking Girl wanted me to go to Barnes and Noble with her today and I told her I wasn’t promising her I would go and she said she wanted me to help her learn about being a vegetarian and I said, “I don’t have to help you learn about that, it’s easy, you just don’t eat meat.” And then I was accused of being too literal. And that is funny to me because I never would have thought myself of being too literal.

I’ve explained about my cat Bear before. How he used to be really vicious with his claws and then I had them removed because I just couldn’t take the gaping wounds he left on my and my other cats anymore. So I’ve realized something about him now…I think this whole time he was trying to play but didn’t really know how to because he had this weird, turrets like thing going on with his claws. I don’t think he meant to harm anything, he just didn’t know how to control his claws. Lately I have been noticing that he chases the other cats around and he appears to be playing with them…but they are still so freaked out by him and the threat of his claws, that they get into fight mode…their ears are laid back, his are perked up. They hiss and growl at him, he just sits there and looks at them. I feel bad for him…he is like a big, fat reformed bully that just wants some friends and no one will play with him. Last night I woke up to my Squishy cat yowling and I ran to the other bedroom and Bear was sitting down in front of Squish and Squish was all crouched down, ears back ready to tussle. This morning I woke up and they were sleeping against each other. It’s weird.

It’s a beautiful day today. Bright sunshine and a pretty moderate temperature. And I really wish it wasn’t so beautiful today. I hate having a beautiful day on my day off. I had wanted to spend most of the day in bed reading today but that is impossible when the sun is shining. I wanted big snow storm today. Cold, quiet day in the house. But instead I get this weather that begs, demands for one to be outside or at least doing something productive inside. Which sucks.

So now I am going to be productive. Gym, walk, clean, organize, maybe even pack my remaining stuff and get rid of all that I wasn’t getting rid of until I was sure I was leaving. Stuff like paper plates and flour that I will never use in a months time. Stuff like hangers and hair product that I haven’t used in forever and hang onto just in case I want to use it someday.

Because I am GOING, FOR REAL!!!! The only thing I have to figure out now is when the kitties can go and then I can make my reservation on the last plane I will be boarding for a long while. I had previously thought that maybe it would be a good idea to fly somewhere every couple months, just a short flight, just to keep me in the mindset of flying since it is something I am going to have to deal with for the rest of my life considering that I love travel and my husband would go nuts without travel, travel, travel….but now I think I am really going to have to just stay on the ground for a while. It will be nice to not think about airplanes for a while.

OHHHHH….I am so free! And I am so going to stay in my pajamas for at least a week once I arrive in Spain…except for when I am sitting in the glorious sun and swimming in my glorious pool.

When I was a kid I wanted a pool more than anything. My brother and I would go on these campaigns to get a pool. We would sneak downstairs at night and post signs all over the place about getting a pool. I think we even offered to dig the hole ourselves at one point. And now…all these years later I am getting my pool. I am very excited. It’s a small pool, but darn it, I can float and I can do flips and handstands and pretend I am a mermaid. And as soon as I learn to drive there I can drive myself to the sea everyday and walk in sea mist. I am going to be fucking RADIANT and HEALTHY. No more waitress shadows under my eyes or strained jaw line from grinding my teeth at night. No more hurt shoulder from carrying hundreds of plates every day. No more charred lungs from spending most of my time in a smoke filled restaurant. No more no more no more. RADIANT AND HEALTHY ME ON THE WAY!!!!!!! And I am going to make my husband healthy too. No more lack of sleep bags under his eyes. No more not eating enough and eating crap food just because it is easy. No more rush here and there and then talk all night on the phone. I am going to make things easy for him. I am going to take care of him like he never could have imagined. Maybe someday I will even get over my own stress enough to be able to give him a massage once a week. He is also going to be RADIANT AND HEALTHY! RADIANT AND HEALTHY ERIC ON THE WAY!!! We are going to sparkle!

All right…now the cats have all come back in and I can sign off now and get going.



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