2005-03-07 - 7:46 p.m.

So the other day I went out for drinks with my ex boyfriend. That same person who has refused to speak to me for the last three years. He said he had woken up that morning and for the first time in three years he oddly didn’t hate me. We never had any closure at all, it was one day speaking, the next day not. And that was that. So, I went out for drinks with him. Spent five and a half hours sitting next to him at the bar, talking, even laughing (well, I was). I missed him, not in the romantic sense, I learned a long time ago that he and I romantically was just a fucked up situation and whether or not we could have avoided the fucked up parts was irrelevant because by the time I finally broke up with him things had gone too far to ever be okay.

The thing is that for the last three years I was disturbed by things and had messed up feelings about that. Like a few months ago some idiot called me and asked if I had talked to Jon lately and I said no and she said she had something to tell me about Jon and what I HEARD her say was that he had been killed that morning in a car accident. And my heart broke and I crumpled. I have never been as upset as I was in that time between that idiot girl calling me and her calling back to tell me that it had been HIS MOTHER that had been killed. (not, by the way, that HER being killed is any less than HIS being killed, but to me his death would affect me in a different more profound way). And I was disturbed by my reaction, I felt that I was being unfair, almost unfaithful, to Eric because my feelings were still so strong for my ex boyfriend. Eric, on the other hand, who was here at the time, was nothing but understanding and pampering. I have been taught, we have all been taught, that when you break up you must almost hate someone for the rest of your life. In my mind I was disturbed because I was always thinking about him, wondering if he was okay, hoping he was happy. But I would fight those thoughts and couldn’t understand why I was having them. I had no desire to be back together with him. I know that I love Eric with nothing but the purist parts of my soul and heart and that he and I are perfect together. But I still can’t shake the worry, the sadness I have when I think about Jon. I simply never let him go as a part of my heart and what I am coming to understand is that it is OKAY for me to still love my ex boyfriend. It would not be okay for me to still love my ex boyfriend and to pine away for him. But that isn’t what I do, I simply love him as the person he is and the time we shared together. And I think it is good for me to be okay with that. I don’t want to pretend that I don’t care about him, I don’t want to avoid him for the rest of my life because I am “not supposed to (in this society)” talk to ex boyfriends. We are supposed to just cut them out of our lives and let it go. But the thing is…you spend five years with someone and you can’t help but to love them and we didn’t break up because he did anything wrong or because he was such a bad person that I had to hate him. He is a NICE man, he is a wonderful man, but for me he wasn’t the right person to spend my life with and because of that I had to break up with him. Because I never would have been fulfilled and because I wasn’t happy or filled I would have made his life hell too. I broke up with him because I LOVED HIM.

Anyway…all this got me to thinking that it must be terribly difficult to be gay. I mean, there are issues when a woman goes out with a man who isn’t her husband, even if that other man is just a friend or you know, an ex boyfriend. We are taught from the beginning of our lives that if you go out with someone of the opposite sex there is some sexual undertone to it. I’ve had many male friends in my life and people always said that those men were not my friends because they enjoyed my company, but because they wanted to get in my pants. Which could be true…but I also always fully believed that most of the males I have had as friends valued me as a friend and were in fact more friends than I could have had in a woman because if they did have feelings for me other than friendship, they wanted to spend time with me so much that they were willing to ignore those feelings. So if you are gay, and a woman, would your partner get uncomfortable and insecure if you went out with girlfriends from work or something?


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