2004-11-24 - 3:25 p.m.


It's snowing! REAL LIVE SNOWING!!! I am so fucking excited I can hardly stand it. I can't decide whether I should just go sit outside or if I should go for a walk. I would go for a walk but today I forgot to get my winter coat out of storage. I did get my mittens, but I forgot my coat.

I watched a movie today and my cats, all five of them decided to get cozy. I had four on my lap and one sitting on top of the couch with his paws on my head. It was really wonderful. I worry about this in Spain where it is going to never be cold. I worry that I won't have cozy bonding days with my cats. Because they will be too busy and hot outside chasing scorpions. And whatever else.

So, someone cancelled at the Chicago Diner and now we have a place to go for Thanksgiving dinner and I am grateful for that. Dinner at my brother's apartment would have been fine...but then I wouldn't have been able (well, I could have but it would have seemed silly)to wear my new shirt. This new shirt which is the only piece of clothing I have ever bought that totally and completely feels like it is me. Well, my ugly coat is totally and completely me...but that isn't really clothing. So I am excited to wear my new shirt. I am excited to go to Chicago and have Thanksgiving and spend a Thanksgiving outside of Vicksburg with my brother who hasn't been around for that last couple Thanksgivings....

For some reason today I feel very present. It almost freaked me out today. I was just driving and I felt very real and suddenly I realized that I hadn't felt very present in a really long time and then I got to worrying that maybe I was feeling really present because I was going to die or something. So I hurried home because I was all worried that I was going to get into an accident or something and die. I know that seems really strange, and it is. I can't explain it really. It just felt really strange to be very real today. It's as though something is falling into place or something. I've known for a long time that I've been in some strange space of coping, just making it through days in a kind of was a protective sort of thing. Like I just had to get through some space of time before things could get real again. And today I felt it. But I didn't go back to that space where I thought I left, today I woke up in the space I left off like ten years ago. It feels today like those first days when I moved into this house. And I guess that really that is where I should have gone back to. That was a good space that I left off. I just didn't really expect to return there. I don't know, I can't explain this.

I like snow, I think, because it makes things very visable. I can see when the mail lady has been here without opening my door. And I like snow because it makes things quiet. No one goes outside in the snow. And it muffles other sound. So that the planes and trains and cars lose some of their volume...I like that.

I am off now...going to visit snow.

This is later...I am adding this.... I've also consumed, over the course of this day, almost a whole bottle of wine even though I vowed that I would not drink again until Eric came home.... I visited the snow today. It is fucking beautiful and I am extremely happy. I don't know why I love the snow so much, but I do. I have also listened to Pete Yorn today. I love Pete Yorn. And then I listened to my new Scorpions CD and I love the Scorpions and everyone should go buy their new CD. Then I listened to my new Tesla CD and while I never liked Tesla before (except for Love Song, who didn't love Love Song), I suggest that everyone go out and buy their new CD for the song, "Caught in a Dream," which is like the best song I have heard in a long time. So.... Eric is in Spain today, getting things organized. He got a new cell phone, spent the day in his new office (with a door!!!!) and tomorrow he meets with the people that own our house. This is making things really real for me and I suspect that is why I spent the day feeling myself, very real. I think I've just been waiting for things to come together for all this. To make sure this Spain thing was going to work out, that we would indeed be there. So now I am pretty excited. Because things are really moving. I know it was hard for me to think about becaus Eric was still in his same old office, with his same old cell phone, same old apartment, nothing moving, nothing making it seem like we were going to Spain. Now things seem to be moving. That is good. I need to get there.


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