2004-10-13 - 6:50 p.m.
Stop running out the door every time I open the door. And stop running directly over to the neighbor's house begging for attention.
Today when I got home from work my cat Lucinda keeled over. She totally couldn't walk. So I picked her up and drove directly to the vet. They have no idea what is wrong with her. Could have been a stroke, could be arthritis, could be a blood clot in the spine. She is old, as the vet said, she has lived against the odds. For the last five years every time she goes to the vet her prognosis is poor. So for five years I have been dealing with this feeling, of thinking that she is not going to be with me for very much longer. But it doesn't help, the preparation doesn't help. She is at the vet right now, overnight again, on IV's again. They promise me that she is not in pain, not suffering. But I just have to wonder how much longer I keep her alive? I mean how much longer does she really want to live when all she does is lay in her bed on a heating pad? If this is arthritis she is just going to be worse off, she won't even be able to get up to eat food. This is terrible.
All this stuff with animals, the hurt, the worry...I don't ever want to have another pet. Ever. I can't handle it and I am reminded that is exactly why I can never have a child. I can't handle hurt and worry. I just can't do. I would rather live in some comatose shell of barely feeling.
I remember a lot of years ago when my best friend fired my brother. It was a terrible hurt for me. I hated it. I hated that feeling of being so angry with someone. Of a best friend doing something to hurt my brother. It was then that I decided not to have friends anymore...and I pretty much haven't. Not best friends. I haven't had best friends since then. Because I hate it.
I bought new shampoo today because I am almost out and I totally cringed and kicked myself and realized how very frugal I really am. Because for the last three years I have bought my shampoo in July or August when they have the liter sale. A two for one deal. And I buy my entire years worth of shampoo and conditioner at that time. But this year I was getting married in July and I never got to the store. So I blew $112 basically. I hate that.
Also bought three new books. It is totally possible that today was my last trip to Barnes and Noble before moving away. When Eric is here I don't read hardly at all for some reason...so those three books will last me for a while. At least until the end of November. And maybe I will be gone then????? PLEASE LET ME BE GONE BY THEN. PLEASE.
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