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2001-11-30 - 4:22 p.m.
Feeling very fragmented today. Started at 4:00 this morning when I couldn't even decide whether or not I wanted to go out to my car to get a travel cup to take coffee to work in. Pretty pathetic. Things just got worse when I actually got to work and discovered that no one did a damn thing yesterday and I had to decide which things to do first in the little time I had before we opened. Crap. Have a guy at work that recently found out his girlfriend was pregnant. Now, this guy is pretty much an ass anyway, but I have seen moments in him that make me think there is more to him. Until now. It started as a joke, him telling me that if the baby is a girl I can have it. But today he was acting like even more of an ass then usual, I mean, he was awful. I later found out that they found out the baby is indeed a girl and he is pissed off. I had to start yelling at him. I try to stay out of things for the most part but this is pushing things too far. This baby isn't asking to be born and I hate to tell him but the only person he can be angry with for making a baby that is a girl is himself. What am asshole. I told him a number of not so nice things and at the end of my little lecture I just shook my head and said, "You know what? I hope you feel like the biggest fuckhead on earth when you look at your daughter the first time and realize that you hated her." That almost hit home to him, but then he had to start acting up again. I feel so sorry for children, like they don't have enough to worry about anyway. Another thing that angered me today. I was eavesdropping (again) at a table. The woman was saying how proud she was of her son because he was paying child support, gotten a job and was seeing his children. Basically it sounded as if this gentleman had had some problems in the past. Okay, so here is what I have to say to this. Don't be proud of this guy, these are the things you are SUPPOSED to do. It really gets my goat when you get someone who has screwed up a lot and then they start rectifying situations and people start thinking, "OH....he is such a good person, he should get an award for this..." Meanwhile, those of us who have lived morally responsible lives are taken for granted. We do what we are supposed to do, we have jobs, support ourselves, take care of what we need to and no one but our families are really proud of us. I mean, you actually read these stories about people who have risen up from crime laden lives and become responsible citizens and you think, "Wow, that's an extraordinary person." Well NO. That's someone doing what they should do. Anyway..... Birthday on Monday. I had planned to take Tuesday and Wednesday off, celebrate quietly, ALONE. But I've received two threats froom people who insist I cannot spend my birthday alone so I think I am just going to take off on Monday afternoon and not come home until Wednesday, maybe go up North and hang out at Sleeping Bear. People and birthdays are unbelievable. Every year I say I don't want to do anything, I want to be alone. And every year somebody stops over anyway. If I say I want to be alone, I MEAN IT!! That's what I want to do on my birthday, shouldn't I be allowed that? Got my invitation in the mail yesterday for the reception I'm supposed to attend as a winner in this literary award thing. It says, reception @ 6:00, awards @ 6:30 and READINGS @ 7:00. I am horrified. I HATE people that read poetry out loud, it's such a personal thing, it should be read individually and now I have to get up there and look like some yuppy crap head and read my poem. I guess I wouldn't have a problem if I had to read the short story, but the poem? Man. Anyway, my Mother says I should just tell them I have to leave at 6:45 to go work my waitressing job that I have so I can have time to write. SHe said they'd suck up the starving artist thing. I just might do that. Found a way to keep people away from me at the gym. Somebody said I should just start scratching my crotch when anyone came near me. While that would crack me up I'm not sure I could actually do it. Someone else told me to just start going into convulsions of sorts, but there is a guy that works there that actually does that....so.....I've taken to just walking in at SUPER SPEED and whipping through my excercises, just kind of blasting past everyone, being very aggresive. It worked today, it was wonderful and I cut ten minutes off my workout. YAY!!! I hate that place. Writing in my diary has finally allowed me to make a concrete decision today. I'm going to bed soon and doing one of my 1:30 am wakeups so I can get some writing done before work tomorrow. Sounds wonderful. Nothing better then falling asleep on a cold, rainey day. Tata. |
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