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2001-11-29 - 12:46 p.m.
Well, the past week has been an interesting one. All sorts of subtle things have occured that seem to be weaving together quite nicely to form the new fabric of my life. Which incidently is not cotton. I;m feeling pretty good for the most part, the only thing that really bothers me is that I can still feel that damn snake of depression mustering enough muscle to wring my neck before I can allow myself to be too happy. Maybe JOn was right, maybe I do need medication. How can I be at a point where things are looking up, looking WAY up, and still want to crawl into my big, white, squishy bed and sleep the day away? My darling brother left on Saturday. It is bittersweet for me. On one hand I am glad to resume my own patterns and to have the TV off and not issuing forth its subliminal "watch me, watch me, watch me." On the other hand I feel very sad because I truly enjoyed having his presence here. Having him here made me stronger, made me happier and made me feel a certain degree of wholeness. He and I haven't spent a prolonged amount of time together in over ten years and it made me happy to remember that as children he and I, even though we had our share of fights, were virtually inseperable. I mean, I think as children he and I were comforted with one anothers presence. And all the circumstances that made me who I am also shaped him and it's nice to know there is someone on earth that has the same bruised heart as I do. I was thinking yesterday that it would be easier on my emotions not to have siblings. My deepest pain comes from them whether it be worrying about my youngest brother or missing my younger but not youngest brother. But then I can't imagine not having them, not ever having known that bond. So...I miss you little brother, I miss getting two coffees at the coffee shop and I miss watching MTV for hours when I don't feel like thinking about anything else except how stupid spring breakers are. And the kitties miss you something fiece, they hardly sleep with me anymore, they all sleep on your couch, their faces stuffed into the fabric trying to catch the fading scent of you. Check this out, in case you ever wondered why your pee smells so bad after eating asparagus. http://www.discovery.com/area/skinnyon/skinnyon970115/skinny1.html I haven't figured out how to add links in my diary yet so you'll just have to do the copy and paste thing. Really as facinating sight. I found it as I was looking for information on blue moons which we will be seeing tomorrow. Turns out they are really not that uncommon, but I still like the thought. Last night I had a boy over for dinner. It should be known right now that I have sworn off any sort of romantic relationship until August 12th, 2002, but I still find the need for distraction and that comes best with having a boy to whom I can talk to. Anyway, what I realized is that I would really like a friend. It was ncie to have Jeff over, to make a big dinner and watch movies, and even though he and I ARE jsut friends, there is still that element of, "Well maybe when August 12th comes we will be more than just friends." So I think we still kind of guard our persons, still try to impress on another. I want a GIRL friend. How does one find friends? I HAVE friends, don't get me wrong, but they are all married with children and they all play the domestic goddess role too much so a slumber party would be out of the question. And my friends aren't really creative thinkers either, except for Nicole but she lives in Iowa so it's hard to have a good, inseperable friendship with her. I wish you could take out an ad, like a singles ad but in search of a friend. Mine would say.....Reclusive wannabe writer in search of a friend who likes to do almost anything and is a strong enough personality to be able to talk me into doing almost anything. Someone who like to watch movies and eat food and talk about things that might not matter but are entertaining....I wouldn't mind having a friend that has children, as long as she isn't a PTA mother. Which leads me to say that if I ever become the type of woman that wears a turtleneck under a sweatshirt and pleated jeans, you can shoot me. I am going to make breakfast now. |
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