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2023-01-24 - 12:44 p.m.
I worked A LOT last week. I was so exhausted by the end of my work week on Sunday at 5-ish that I could barely speak a proper sentence, even if I were a three year old. The entire week my food consumption went something like this...I had to be up early. And I knew I would need food for energy. When I'm at work for these doubles, I walk non stop for 15 hours or so. I have to force myself to eat enough to get through it. I get really grouchy about eating food in the morning. So I shove two eggs and various veggies and some beans into a tortilla with a bunch of hot sauce and take a bite and whine about it and wrap it up and take bites of it for the next 6 hours. I also make a smoothie which I sip from during those six hours. Then I order a grilled cheese sandwich and green beans to get me through the next nine hours of here and there bites. I also pack almonds and celery sticks and nibble on them here and there. Then I get in my car and drink the rest of my coffee, freezing cold, from the morning and drive home where I usually eat popcorn or pretzels in bed while watching the first episode of Wednesday that I've been watching for the last month but keep falling asleep 10 minutes into. Anyway, on Sunday, I knew I needed to eat a proper meal. So I stopped at the grocery store on the way home from work and bought a few things to make a portobello sandwich on a pretzel roll and a big salad. I was so out of it when I got home. I got into pajamas, washed my face and started cooking but I couldn't find the carrots for my salad and I had forgotten to purchase lettuce. So I made a "coleslaw" of sorts with cabbage and tomatoes. I got in bed and ate the whole thing really fast and fell asleep before I even pretended to watch my ten minutes of Wednesday. Twenty hours later, I had slept a full night and gotten myself to Kalamazoo to spend a day with my mom and I got a sandwich from my favorite sandwich place (and played a few games of Ms. Pac-Man). That's all I ate. It's now close to 24 hours after my sandwich and I know I have to eat but I don't want to. And this is becoming a bit concerning. Is 50 too late in life to develop an eating disorder? Is this an eating disorder or do I have long covid (I really can't taste or smell that much)that makes eating undesirable? Or is my menopause stuff being kind of opposite of other women and I'm losing weight rather than gaining? I don't know. Life is very weird right now and I don't like it. But the fucking sun came out finally today. And there is snow on the ground. And I have a day off. Tomorrow I have my appointment with the spine specialist and I'll get some answers and forward movement with this crap. My hearing aid crap is in motion and I hope every single morning that I wake up that there's a message in my voicemail saying I can go pick up my hearing aids. I'm going to have to have someone take me to that pick up because I already know I'm going to cry for hours upon hours after I can hear again. Anyway. So. That's it. My mother started chemo today and I still haven't found the carrots. |
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