2013-06-20 - 12:49 a.m.

Well. I have all sorts of new problems to figure out now. That god damn cat is MIA again and Eric is totally pissed off at me and in general and I know I fucked up but damn...I'm trying to do what's best for the cat. I figured that since yesterday I let him out and he hung around the house the entire day that he would do the same today since the weather was exactly the same. But no. He left. And then Eric's uncle came over to help get my Honda all fixed up so we can sell it and of course the cat isn't going to come home when there's somebody here. But not it's past midnight and there haven't been any strangers here for hours. So where the fuck is the cat? The reason I had to let him out today is because it looks like for the next four days, at least, I'm going to have to keep him in because of the heat. And you know, I am very concerned about his stress levels and what it will do to him to keep him in. He's not a house cat. He's been roaming this neighborhood for fifteen years. I knew, from day one, that I would never be able to make him into a housecat. We have a deal worked out. Or, we HAD a deal worked out. Anyway. I imagine I'll be up all night AGAIN tonight. Even though I really shouldn't.

Work was fine. I'm much happier now that I am in my summer section and I'm getting more sunlight. I really need to invest in a sunlamp next year.

I'm supposed to be on a diet right now. Fabien will be here in two weeks and I always gain way too much weight while he is here. The good news is that I used to always gain weight while he was here because I wouldn't exercise and I would drink too much and eat too many desserts. Now I do that all the time, so it's not like my lifestyle will change drastically like it did in the past. Now I'll just have somebody to share in my sloth with me.

For real though...I have to start doing something about my life. I am totally uninspired and I am totally sick of spending every single day cleaning. Sick of it. The worst part about it is that I used to be able to spend a day cleaning (back when I lived in my house in Vicksburg) and I could step back at the end of the day and FEEL like the house was clean and pretty and wonderful. Now I clean all day and yes, it feels clean but we still have shot all over the place. We still have unpacked boxes for christs sake. Nothing is decorated. Nothing is home. I used to love that feeling after a day of cleaning. To just feel like I was home and everything is good. I just haven't been able to achieve that yet here. I do have plans. I am going to stop trying to pay my ridiculous debt pile down and I'm going to stop thinking about going to facial lady school or real school and I'm going to start spending money on getting this house made into a home. Because really, if my soul isn't into this life I'm just going to continue with this horrible pattern of cleaning, not exercising, drinking way too much wine and having dessert in the house every day. (I also bought POTATO CHIPS TODAY...) Thank god I eat so well in every other aspect or else I might be dead by now.

BECAUSE THAT IS HAPPENING NOW. People that I knew from high school are dying now from bad health or weird health. In the last month there has been a death from diabetes related illness and another from an aneurism. People are dying from health issues now in my life. This is not good. This is a wake up call. I am getting way too old.

Anyway. Ok. I just wrote this entry while sitting in the garage waiting for that cat. I am pretending to not freak out but I am really freaking out. I need to go inside (I'm getting eaten by mosquitos) and figure out what I am going to do about the rest of this summer. It's apparent I cannot go about things in my usual fashion. Man, it was nice to wake up and let all the cats out for a few hours. That was my favorite part of the day. I would wake up, turn the burner on for my tea water. Take two cans of food to the garage for the garage cats and then open their door. Then I would go back inside and all the other cats would be waiting for me at the top of the stairs and then I would go downstairs and open the door and there would be a thundering of cat feet coming down the stairs and they would go out and sniff the air and get busy on the grass eating. Then I would go upstairs and make my tea and get back into bed to do internet stuff for half an hour and then I would get up and go about my day. And I would get all the cats in around 1 and then eat lunch and get ready for work. I really liked that routine. It was pretty awesome. Now I have to look forward to getting up and making tea and staring at cats who want nothing more but to go outside. They had a really nice life while it lasted. Damn it.

So that is all.


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