2013-05-12 - 12:45 p.m.

Mother's Day is bothering me this year. I'm nearing forty. It's just a breath away. I'm not ready to get a child just yet. I mean, our house is a disaster, we really don't have a room for a child, we have too many cats, we aren't financially in a good spot and oh...Eric has zero interest in child raising. But I do. It's been building for years. I know I don't want to physically produce a child. I've established that within myself. Although I think it would be awesome and incredible to have a child with my own DNA, I just really believe that for me, adoption is the absolute right way to have a child. I can't stand the thought of putting another being on this planet while there is another being without love. So I guess the nearing forty thing shouldn't be such a huge issue. Because I do still have time. But it's getting close man. In five years I'll be forty five...I really don't want to be an old mom. I would want to be alive and healthy and helpful at least until my child is forty.

Anyway. Mother's Day this year is depressing the fuck out of me. And to make it worse, stupid people from work (they have good intentions, I am sure) keep sending me texts or posting things on my Facebook wall wishing me a happy kitty mother's day. Which is just making me want to throw up. Ugh.

I have to figure this life out. I can't live like this.

Also. My back is very hurt. I am going to the doctor (finally) tomorrow. I've been ignoring this problem for about two years now. I always think that once I start exercising regularly again and rebuilding my core this back problem will go away. But I'm not exercising regularly and so the problem is getting worse. I drove to Kalamazoo twice last week and it very nearly put me in the hospital. Sitting for even a short period of time is torture. I can't even watch movies on the couch anymore, I have to watch movies in bed so I can be as flatbacked as possible.

The well thing is probably going to turn out much better than we thought. I didn't sleep at all on Friday night. It's been a long time since I've been that freaked out. I mostly just wanted to be sure that I was awake the second it became a reasonable enough hour to call the well people back because I was very anxiety ridden about not having water. So I called around eight and then took a nap until 10 when they showed up. They pulled the line back up and everything was working (which wasn't the case the day before). So, the guy tells us we definitely DON'T need a new well. (The guy the day before said we definitely DO need a new well...I didn't trust that from the get go, he was way to fixated on getting to that diagnosis to think about other things.) So this guy yesterday removed some back flow valve or something like that and hooked everything back up and our water is working just fine now. There is still a thought that our pump is going, that it is slowly dying and that's why we had problems...but replacing a pump is a whole lot cheaper than replacing an entire well. Whew!

So that is all.


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