DELVING BETWEEN THE TOES OF LIFE....I AM TOEJAM


2009-01-17 - 6:18 p.m.

I cut my fingernails way way too short and my fingertips hurt now. That is ridiculous. Remember how I used to be so proud and protective of my beautiful long fingernails which I religiously painted twice a week? And now I cut them jagged and too short and havenít worn nail polish in years and years? Wow, have I changed.

Things are going well. I am making more money finally and am working less hours and I get to sleep in until 7 now! So itís all kind of luxurious. However, I canít stay at this restaurant very long. It smells. Bad. Very very bad. Like bacon and potato grease. When I leave work I have to go directly home and shower. My coat is permeated with the stench and even a super wash in hot water and Tide didnít get the stench out. I canít live like this. I am making plans. I started planning my own restaurant. I have to find the location, I have to find funding, I have to find a mentorÖbut I am opening my own restaurant and it wonít stink and I wonít be a tyrannical boss who prioritizes the wrong things. It will be exciting to own my own restaurant. I canít wait. I will not use Styrofoam either. And I will recycle. And once I am making a comfortable amount of money I will start dedicating a portion of my profits from one day of the week to animal shelters and other worthy causes. I will be the change I seek.

I am also making plans for our house. I have almost chosen a color scheme! Itís been a year and I havenít been able to decide on a color. This is a very difficult house to decorate because aside from the two bedrooms and two bathrooms, everything is open. The upstairs is like one giant room. And Iím kind of a nook and cranny person. So I keep instinctively wanting to create faux nooks and crannies with paint color and seating arrangements. But I just canít get it to work. Slowly, slowly it will come together.

The downside of things lately is that I am in a general panic about things. I am at a very awkward age. I have things I have to start now or never start. Sure, sure you can say itís never too late to go to school, to change a professionÖbut thatís not really the reality of it. The only reason I want to start a profession is so I can retire comfortably. If I start a profession when I am 60Öwell, thatís not going to give me a stellar retirement plan now is it? Also, babies. When does this biological crap stop and give one peace? Jesus. I am still pretty emphatic about not wanting to actually bring a child onto this planetÖto be personally responsible for subjecting a human being to thisÖto this very poignant sadness that being human is all about. I also very strongly believe that as long as there is even one child on this planet who does not have a home and love that I have no business having a child. AlsoÖthe world WILL end one day and the way I see it is that I am protecting any future generations I could create from myself from that ultimate terror. By ending my genetic line right now I am ensuring that no one of my direct bloodline will ever have to suffer through the end of the world. Sigh. I tend to overthink these things. Itís no wonder I am always on the edge of a complete and total panic attack. Anyway. Babies. I am at the end of the line here. This is getting to be about it. If there would be any babies in my future this is when I have to, have to at least start planning for it.

I am also having some private familial issues. I cannot discuss these things yet. (donít worry mother it has nothing to do with you) But I can feel that I am on the verge of NEEDING to discuss these things. On the verge of NEEDING (and actual physical need or else I will implode) to get some resolution in some matters. I wonder, I just wonder, if people ever really think about the feelings other people might be having? Because it seems like the answer is no to that. Just put yourself in someone elseís shoes for a moment. Really get in there. Imagine every possibility.

Anyway. Eric went to Ann Arbor this evening to hang around with his friends. I had planned to clean and organize but I think I mostly just want to eat a big salad right out of the bowl I make it in and watch some chick flicks.

Also. It is cold. I am so so sad for the animals (and people) stuck out there in this. I just want to put them all in house and feed them warm milk. This will break soon, right? This cold? I love winter and I love cold but this is pushing it a bit far.

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