2005-06-07 - 5:40 p.m.

Last night I did not sleep again. This is the second time I have been awake all night since I arrived here. This bothers me. I have had problems sleeping in the past...but never problems falling asleep. There are many facets to my falling asleep problem. legs hurt lately, a deep, deep ache in them as though I am growing. All of my joints and muscles have been in this constant state of craving a stretch. I always want to be stretching my limbs. I think I might be indeed growing, or lengthening or something. And so this ache in the legs, this need to always be stretching leads to me moving about a lot as I start to fall asleep. And, because Eric was in the bed when I was trying to fall asleep last night (he usually falls asleep on the couch first and comes upstairs later, after I have fallen asleep)I kept getting nervous that I was going to wake him up (he NEEDED to be asleep last night)so I kept trying to remain as still as possible which is difficult for me even when I am not in this mode of lengthening...and so, I couldn't fall asleep because I wasn't comfortable and so then I started to think about things and then I got stressed out, overwhelmed...blah blah and so I tried counting backwards from 100 and focusing on each number and I DID fall asleep for like a microsecond and a noise outside woke me up and then I had to start all over again and so then I went downstairs and started watching TV thinking that would put me to sleep but I couldn't get comfortable again and my legs needed more room than the couch allowed and so I just kept watching a couple minutes of every station for a couple hours and then it was light and I went to the kitchen and took two valerian pills and went upstairs and washed my feet (if I don't take a bath before getting into bed I have to at least wash my feet...not because I am worried about dirt or anything but my feet have to be the exact right temperature for me to fall asleep and I am actually wondering if my feet are not the cause of this sleeplessness...because their temperature has changed and I can't get it right) and I got in bed and then Eric got up for work and I still hadn't slept and then I fell asleep and I woke up at ten thirty and he was gone and there were people outside making a lot of noise and I got annoyed and made coffee and then I planted all my vegetable seeds and cleaned and now I am just waiting to see if I have to get dressed today to either go for a walk, or to have people over for dinner. I am not coping well with this part of my life....the not knowing what the hell is going on every day thing and I am trying to deal with that because I realize that my rigid structure and control shit is ridiculous and I need to let it go and relax (especially living in a Latin country)...but I can't...I like to know what things are going to occur in my day. I don't like to know an hour before if people are coming here for dinner. It fucks things up for me. Because now I will go downstairs and start preparing food, so that I am not rushing at the last minute (because I love to cook, but I HATE cooking at the last minute, it takes all the joy out of it)and I will not do my exercise for the day and I will not do my one hour of writing for today (at least not right now, maybe later I can escape for an hour)because I will be preparing food for people that probably, when all is said and done, will not actually come over for dinner. Just like the stupid BBQ we were having a few weeks ago. It was after another of my sleepless nights and I finally fell asleep at eight in the morning and I told Eric to call me and let me know if there was to be a BBQ because then I would get up to make food (BBQ for a vegetarian has more components than an omnivores BBQ and thus requires a little more preparation like making yummy delicious salads and dips and things so the meat eaters never really miss their giant cow burgers) and he did call at about eleven and said they were on their way and I got up and starting making things and I really wanted to go back to bed and then...only Eric showed up. And it did turn out to be a good day, we ate a lot of food and sat by the pool and drank beer and had a BBQ that night and Eric fell asleep on the OUTDOOR COUCH until five in the morning and that was funny....

I think I will shut up now.

Oh, and also...I had these high hopes that my friend K would come here this summer...I am in desperate need of a friend to come here and explore with me. But she can't come here...she is having a boob job instead and that really fucking irritates me.

Speaking of breasts...lately I have been slacking on the bra wearing. Back where I come from I always felt the need to wear a bra, I don't know why...I felt dirty and disgusting if I didn't wear one. But around here I feel perfectly fine and so have been going braless more and more. So today I went swimming and came in, took a shower and Eric was here for lunch scanning some stuff he needed at work and I got dressed after my shower and walked into the office room and he looked at me and said, "I am really liking this boob free look." Which didn't sound at all like what he wanted to say which was that he liked the braless look...but yeah...I am boob free.


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