2005-03-11 - 4:44 p.m.

Last night I was in a total fuck it mood. You know, I just decided at some point last night that I am going to stop trying to be so tactful all the time. I'm going to stop trying to make good impressions on people just for the sake of making an impression. The other day when I went for drinks and drinks with my ex boyfiend I had remarked to him that it was very good, after three years, to finally be able to sit down and talk to him...that it made me feel much better somehow...and he says, "Why do you always have to have everyone like you? You require more attention than anyone I know." Both of these things are totally false. If I wanted people to like me I wouldn't, number one, be the biggest hermit you will ever meet and number two, I wouldn't be such an ass about the relationships with people that I do manage to see and socialize with. As for the attention thing. I wanted to tell him that he could fuck right off...because his idea of giving attention to someone was asking for a popsicle whenever I got up to go to the kitchen. So yeah, I might have wanted SOME attention from him and I might ADORE the attention I get from my husband...but I don't require and in fact, require more NON attention than your average person. Meaning...leave me the fuck alone for at least half the day so I can putter about.

All that said...there is some truth to what he said. Because I don't like it when someone openly dislikes me or is mean to me. And I do demand attention at times, usually at work when the girls are chitchatting about Oprah or something equally as annoying and I will stand in the background and throw things at them until they pay attention to me. But I do that out of fun...they annoy me so I annoy them kind of thing. And if I feel strongly about something you ARE going to pay attention to me. And I am almost nice to a fault...nice to where someday I am going to drive myself crazy because there are only so many doors I can hold open for people...only so many times I can worry about getting deodorant on a shirt I am trying on and don't want to cause extra work for people. But I am nice not because I want people to like me...I am nice because that is what I expect a society to do...look out for one another. So yeah...I might get bent out of shape if someone doesn't like me...but only because I know that I have done my utmost to be a good person and it doesn't make sense for someone to hate least not the people that hate me, the people that hate me are usually people that don't know me at all and base their judgement on something ridiculous like a snide comment I might make. Or the ex boyfriend who HAD reason to hate me since I apparently destroyed his life. I won't argue that. I did not do well by him.

So anyway...I decided that I am done being nice unless I want to be nice.

And I made better money today not being nice to customers and that just makes me laugh.

And then the evil woman at the gas station who has been carding me for the last ten years even if I am there EVERY SINGLE DAY, carded me for buying LOTTERY TICKETS (again) and I said, "Uh, don't you think you are taking this ID thing a little far, I am THIRTY ONE YEARS OLD and I find it a little irksome to get carded for buying LOTTERY TICKETS every time I come in here." And she just ignored me. But at least I wasn't nice to her because I do in fact hate her.

My day started out like crap today. I was tired, for one. I was agitated from last night and the whole fucking cat thing. And Talking Girl and her friend The Uppity One were in a fight about...believe it or not...cats and they were at each others throats all day...and then one of the evil useless not made for society or even this planet cooks starts a story..."so this guy I know did something really funny...his wifes cat had kittens and he didn't want them so he buried them up to their necks in the dirt until they died." And all the evil useless not made for society or even this planet cooks were rolling with laughter saying how great that was. And I seriously almost threw up I was so sick about it. I couldn't even say anything to them I was so sick. I gave them a look that told them how I felt about the whole thing and they shut up pretty quickly...but I couldn't say anything. I am mortified that I live in the same UNIVERSE as people that can do that sort of thing and who laugh at that sort of thing. That job is starting to make me really sick. I have absolutely no hope for humans...not after working in that restaurant.

And Dear Mr. Ernst.

It is totally not fair for you to sign my guestbook and tease me so. I MISS your diary and you blocked us all and then you come traipsing through my guestbook and tell me you are a taco salad too while I can no longer read your suck. You are ALMOST going to be demoted from the status of my diaryland fantasy boyfriend. ALMOST. DARN YOU for telling me that you are a taco salad too...darn you.

I'm off to the stair climber now...

Or maybe not.

Just whatever.


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