2004-12-19 - 6:40 a.m.

I’ve been plagued by nightmares for the majority of my life. I know there was a time when I went for a really long time without a nightmare, but I can’t remember when that was. Could have been back in the days of my early twenties when I was only sleeping like 3 hours a night and popping a Pamprin right before I had to fall asleep because it would wake me up three hours later raring to go. I had nothing to do during those times, but for whatever reason I didn’t want to sleep. Ever.

I am sick of having nightmares. My dreams are always nightmares. There has only been one good dream in the last five years. And that was an excellent dream but even during that dream there were moments of anxiety. I had this little rabbit and someone had put it in a jar and I didn’t know what to do with it so I let it be in that jar but I watched it obsessively until one day when I thought it was dying so I let it out. And this rabbit cuddled with me, loved me and I thought that the nicest thing to do for this rabbit would be to let it go so I found this lovely field and released the rabbit. She was so happy, bounding through the grass, away from me. And I was so sad. Then I saw the grass moving in a path back towards me and the rabbit jumped into my arms and cuddled more.

The other night I had a dream, and I guess it wasn’t a nightmare…but it does show that my dreams are always very vivid and real…so much that I have a hard time discerning what really happened in real life and what happened in my dreams. I was reading this book, in real life, and I just wanted to finish it…for the last couple days I have been yearning to finish reading it. It was a long book. So the other night I dreamed that I had finished it. I dreamed it so well that the end of the book fit perfectly with the story I had read so far. I can even remember the words from the last page that I dreamed. So when I went to work yesterday I was listing the things I needed to do after work. One was go to the bookstore to get another book because I had finished that book and needed something to read. It was at about noon that I realized that it had been a dream, that I hadn’t finished the book and the only reason I realized this was because I was thinking about the book and realized that at the end (in my dream) the man was driving home to Sacramento…there was never anything about Sacramento in the book, it as set in Connecticut.

Last night I had a terrible, terrible, terrible dream about my brother. I woke up at 3 am and did not go back to bed because I was so upset. And what do you do at 3 am when you have had a terrible dream about someone? Call them and tell them you just had a terrible, terrible dream about them? I know I wouldn’t want someone to wake me up and tell me they had a terrible dream about me. So I just sat there in bed, in the dark for an hour and panicked. Then I got up and did laundry. Now I am going to work. I just want to call my brother and make sure he is okay. I am very scared of anything happening to my brother. I am very certain I would never survive it if anything ever happened to him. Especially after I had that dream last night. I woke up, half awake, and my mind was already shutting down, like turning off a switch, going totally blank. That is what would happen to me if something happened to my brother. I would shut down. I would not be able to function in this world.

I am sure that this day is going to be awful because I am still reeling from the effects of this dream. I am tired of dreaming. Am I so uptight and wound up that I have THIS much stuff to worry about when I sleep? Really. I need to start meditating.


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