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2004-11-08 - 7:56 p.m.
Two and a half years ago I specifically remember standing at Charles De Gaulle airport, a croissant and strong coffee nestled in my belly, my arms wrapped around him while tears poured from my eyes and he said, �it will get easier.� And I think I might have believed it...I thought for a moment, from experience, that once we got settled into one another there would come a time when I would welcome intermittent separations. I thought for a moment that I had the best of all worlds�because I am a person that relishes my private time. Someone who learned to be alone and loved being alone. But it never happened. It never got easier to leave him at the airport. It isn�t even easy for me when he leaves for a day. Today after he went through security and disappeared from my line of vision I went and sat across the street from the airport and waited for his plane to leave. Because it was important for me to be with him for as long as possible. I saw his plane take off and I left the parking lot. For the next five minutes I drove alongside his plane until it too disappeared from my sight. He seems so far away this time. I am at the point now where I cannot live without him. Where it is difficult to even feign the movement of life unless I am with him. I do not want to move to Spain. Not because I am terrified of living in another country, because I am not. In fact, I CAN�T WAIT TO LIVE IN ANOTHER COUNTRY (especially now after Dumbass and his administration got elected again)�I have never been very comfortable in this country anyway. I like the European way of life, I like that I can go to the beach and not wear a top, I like how they eat, I like how historic and magical it is there. But I really don�t want to fly my cats there and I really don�t like the stress involved when it comes to an international move and I would seriously give up my chance to live outside of this country if I had that choice. But I am going forth with all of this, I never said no even at the beginning, because I wanted the quickest way to be with him. And this is it. I will go to Spain to be with him as soon as possible. Because every last shred of me aches to be with him. ���. And. Work sucks. As usual. I hate that fucking job and I really hope that I never have to be a waitress again. I think that fifteen years of this is enough. ���. And. I bought a pair of Dansko�s the other day. Because I couldn�t handle the pain in my legs every day after work. I am having a really hard time with my (okay so Eric bought them) purchase because one�they are ugly and I have never had an ugly pair of shoes in my life and two BECAUSE THEY ARE LEATHER and I have not ever, as far as I can remember, purchased a pair of leather shoes. I feel as though I have murdered something. But I had to do it. I cannot live in constant pain and I cannot find a decent pair of shoes made out of non-dead material. ���� And. Someone looked at my house the other day. But I think they might be too big to live here. ���.. And. I am in complete shock that George W. was elected again. I felt PAIN when I realized that he was going to win the election. I really cannot believe it. This was my first time voting. My brother came here from Chicago to vote, my MOTHER voted�.it seems totally unrealistic that he could have won this election. And it makes me really, really sad that this country has gotten to the point where the majority of people believe that someone should be in office because of their religious views. I really believe that is how he won. Because he thinks he was chosen by God. And that is important to so many people�no matter that everything else he (and his puppeteers) stand for is wrong. ��� And. I still miss Lucinda. I never expected to miss her so much. We never bonded like my other cats and I did. But she was very important to me, and I loved her. I realize now how much I loved her. I can�t do anything without thinking about her. Bringing home Chinese leftvovers last night�.I miss her because that was her favorite food�fried bean curd in Schezeuan (or however you spell that) sauce. I almost want to dump these leftovers on her grave. ���.. And. Eric is on the phone now, from Detroit, just about to board his plane to Paris�this is so not fair.
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And. After seven years of putting in five dollars for our Nascar pool at work and never, EVER, winning even a dime�.I have now, in the last month, won three times. THAT is very cool. I used to be the kind of person that won everything. Just ask my mother about the cake walk thing at the Campfire Girl carnival�when we had so much cake that we filled my Dad�s truck. It all ended the year I won every quarter of the Super Bowl pool, taking home $600.00. I hadn�t won anything since then�and now I am back. That is a good feeling. �����.. And. This evening my cats chased a rabbit and the rabbit got stuck in a fence. By the time I chanced upon the situation the rabbit had broken its hips and the cats had chewed its fucking tail off. I dislodged the rabbit and brought it in the house to find that it couldn�t move its legs at all. He was so scared, so helpless. I had no idea what to do with it. So I rushed it to the vet and had them put it to sleep. It was a rash decision on my part. I just didn�t know what to do with it and now I finding myself disgusted with myself. In the past I would have taken that rabbit anywhere to get it fixed up if that was possible. But I didn�t even think that this time. I just wanted it to be put out of its misery. I didn�t even ask them to examine the rabbit closely enough to tell me if there was anything that could be done. I wasn�t thinking. I wasn�t in my being. I don�t know where I was. I think I will feel guilty about that rabbit for the rest of my life. I already feel guilty about a rabbit. A few years ago I was driving to work and there was this white rabbit sitting the middle of the road. It was covered in ice and not moving out of my way except for one little jump. So I got out and picked it up and brought it to work with me. I knew it must belong to someone because it was tame. So I went to every house in a mile radius until I found its owner. But she just had a rabbit hutch in her back yard and it was so cold that winter and I told the rabbit that I would come back and get it (because she had told me that I could keep him if I wanted to)if he needed me. And that night I dreamed that the rabbit needed me and I never went back to get him. It sounds stupid, but I feel really guilty, to this day about it. Sometimes I just feel as though I don�t do anything right. I try, but I just don�t get all the way there.
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And. That�s all.
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