2004-11-12 - 7:51 p.m.

Finally got back on track today. Painted the stupid kitchen...including the ceiling. Now I just have to paint my stupid bedroom and the backroom (if I can ever get that butthead drywall guy back here to finish his job) and I am done painting for a long, long time.

Normally I love to paint. It has, in the past, been sort of like therapy for me. I will pick a color that matches whatever mood I am in and just spend a day in a haze of mindless painting. Makes things clear for me. But this painting project has been dull, cumbersome and rather depressing for me. Because for one I am painting over all my lovely colors with white. Just white. The whole house will be white. And it is cumbersome because I have everything in boxes and what I don't have in boxes is out because I use it and since I moved everything out of here I have no where to put said stuff except for where it is and when I have to paint that area it gets even more fucked up in here. And depressing because I know that no matter how much I get done in here, no matter how quickly, I will still not be able to get to Spain until Spring. And that sucks because I have to do this stuff now...I have to ready at a moments notice and I just don't like having to do that. Because the house is sterile now, it is no longer mine...just white and I have to live here for some time yet.

It has been interesting to find the memories I dredge up when painting though. Painting my living room...over that once warm beige color it was, I remember when I painted it...nine years ago...(it's the only room I haven't painted more than once in my whole house) ex boyfriend was just starting to hang around me and I invited him over to help me paint and he ended up painting a window sill and decided he was too hot so he spent the rest of the day trying to install an air conditioner. That night Nicole came over (this is how long ago this was, she was still living here and since then she has gotten two degrees in Iowa and is a nurse in Des Moines), and we all watched movies and drank beer.

And I remember when I last painted my was a month before Eric was arriving here, we weren't a couple at that point but our once friendly, platonic e-mails had a taken a turn to the flirty and I knew something was going to change, especially because he was going to stay with me instead of his uncle. So I painted my bedroom and my kitchen before he got here, trying to make my house nice and cozy and inviting.

In some ways it feels as though I am painting over my past...but that is good, I need a good clean start and I guess there is no better color for that than white.


Got extremely agitated at work today by a Republican woman I work with who will fight you tooth and nail about abortion...I mean, she doesn't relent about it. She thinks it should be outlawed and that is that. And she is forty and she just got pregnant again (not planned) and she is concerned about being pregnant at her age and her husband wants her to have the amnio done to make sure the baby is okay and I just can't understand that because why would even bother to check if the baby is okay if you weren't going to consider aborting it if something were wrong? What would be the point? I didn't say anything to her, because it's really none of my business...but I can say that if she ever fights me about abortion again I will have to say something. I don't like abortion, I would never have an abortion, but at this point in our world it cannot be outlawed.


And I am going to bed now.


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