2004-05-14 - 9:00 p.m.

Number one…I am not a traitor as I was so referred tonight by the single most important female in my life, in fact, the only female in my life. This entry IS NOT an apology to that person. This entry is an explanation of why tonight ever happened in the first place and why I was in the position I am in now.

Number two. I like your boyfriend. I think he is a really good person at heart and while I had my qualms in the beginning about this and refused from the get go to even meet him; I did finally meet him and actually liked him. I understand that things go on that I am not aware of, I do not know how you are together when you are alone. I have to take your word for what goes on. But from what I see, no one is trying to belittle you, no one is trying to take you for granted. I learned long ago that to avoid confrontation with you that I should only be on your side. And in order to do that I cannot like anyone else with whom you have dealings. I have hated every single one of them.

Number three. I have no idea why you have such a low self esteem. You are, indeed, just as your boyfriend said the other night, the most intelligent female I know. In fact, in the sphere of wise people, you are the wisest person I know. And, you are beautiful. I don’t know why you need to be reminded of those things on a daily basis. I know that I am intelligent, I know that I am attractive, I know that I am nice, and I don’t need or even want to be told that on a daily basis. Then it seems contrived. You are obviously missing something in this relationship you are in and I don’t even think you know what that is, that is why you complain and complain that he never compliments you. You should be able to see those things in his eyes, and if you don’t than he is not the right one for you.

Number four. You have to understand that I never know what to do when it comes to issues concerning him. You say over and over again that you just want him to accept you, to be committed to you, to make a life with you. You want him to do things that show that he is making a life with you….but then when he brings his son here all you can say is that they are taking over your space and not respecting you. The reason I finally just stopped agreeing with you tonight is because I think you are totally wrong in this case. I have a right to think that. I totally understand what your boyfriend and his son are doing. They want to spend time together, they want to DO things. His son is here for ONE WEEK. When someone is here for ONE WEEK you DO NO go on about life as you usually do. You DO things, you might drink every night with dinner, you might go to shows, games, whatever. When someone is visiting you you just have to deal with that kind of stuff. If you want your boyfriend to be making life with you than you have to realize that having his son here IS MAKING LIFE WITH YOU. He did not go there, he did not rent a hotel room for his son and himself. He had his son SHARING life with you BOTH. I think that is totally sharing life and all you can do is get mad because of this and that. You are making WAY too many issues out of non issues. Sometimes I am amazed at the sheer amount of issues you can make out of something. You need to relax and let it be. I am scared of you, I am scared that every little thing I do is going to somehow set you off. I have always been scared of that. Since I was a little girl. I cannot walk around with my mouth shut and on pins and needles all the time anymore. Anyway, as I was saying. I do not know where to stand with him. I hear you, every time I talk to you, tell me about what he is doing that isn’t right, and this has been going on forever now…years…and I just can’t understand why anyone who can’t get something to work would stay with it? Why would you do that to yourself? You deserve much better than to live in this constant state of unhappiness…but I can honestly say that I don’t think you will ever be happy. Ever. I am reminded of my ex boyfriends mother. All she ever did was complain about her husband, they both had their problems, yes, they let their marriage get too fucked up to ever fix it…but all she did was complain…”I make his breakfast, his lunch, his dinner, I wash his clothes, I make his bed, I do everything.” And one day he just looked at her and said, “I never once asked you to do any of that. I was always perfectly willing and capable but you always did it before I could, or you would tell me to get out of the kitchen when I was making a sandwich for lunch.” I will always remember that because it made me really look at how fucked up people can get in relationships. About stupid things. REALLY STUPID THINGS. I think you need to look at some issues you are having.

Number five. I just want you to be happy. I don’t want you to be in this constant state of whatever it is. I want you to figure it out, put it together, and be okay. I want you to be okay. It fucking hurts every last fiber of my being to know that you are not okay. SO DO SOMETHING THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. PUT IT TOGETHER. MAKE THINGS RIGHT.

Number six. I really appreciate you. I never asked once in my life for a different mother. I didn’t want one, I loved you. I loved that you made us the people we are. We might have had our early struggles, but the people we become are good people, we are very good people. And you have always been nothing but a mother, you have always given us whatever you have, you have always done whatever needed to be done…and I guess in that way I am a traitor because right now, even though you put us above all else and because in your eyes we can do no wrong, I think you are wrong, with the whole issue tonight and I will stand behind that opinion I have whether or not you think that makes me a traitor. I think this issue tonight took it a bit too far. I think you seriously need to look at what is really going on. Because there is no way this issue tonight should have gotten to this extreme. None.

I am going to bed now.

I hope you sleep well.


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