2003-12-10 - 8:20 p.m.
What I need to do is start journaling in a real way. Because, I am once again in the throes of a steep, deep, despairing depression. I am being very vocal about this one, this time, because I am scared. And either no one is taking me seriously, or no one seriously can understand. My boyfriend tells me to just look at the big picture, look at all these things as blips. But the blips don't stop, what happens when the whole is just a bunch of blips? I am trying, desperately trying, to figure this out. Do I have a chemical imbalance? I don't think so because if I did I would always be insane and I am not. What is really bothering me? It is the blips, it is the inability to crawl out from beneath the blips. It is the waiting. I am impatient by nature, very impatient which is why my life is set up the way it is. I go to work, the gym and the rest of the day is mine and I think about and do whatever comes to mind. It is when I have things in the wings that I start going insane. I need stability. I need to know where I am and where I will be for a duration. I need to not wait for people to fix my dryer. I need to not wait for people to look at my roof. I need to not wait for this or that because eventually there gets to be too many things and I short circuit. And this is where I got in my thinking when I realized what the problem is. What really sets me off on these tangents of despair where I really hope that I DO fall of my roof and kill myself. The seasons. I can't handle it when a season doesn't take. I can't handle it when it snows and then disappears and it starts raining like it is October. I get euphoric when the snows some. I get euphoric when the first sign of spring blossoms. I get euphoric even of the first scorcher of summer. Because when the seasons settle into their duration, so can I. I get messed up when the season switches. I get messed up when spring doesn't happen and winter turns directly into summer. I get messed up when fall starts inkling and then traipses back into summer. And right now, after a major bought of euphoria a couple weeks ago when it snowed, a time when I was bright, chipper, happy, it is raining and I can't handle it. I was settling in. I was preparing. And now it is fucking with me. It blipped again, the seasons blipped and I needed that to not happen.
I am going to bed now and there better be snow on the ground when I wake up.|
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