2003-12-13 - 6:51 a.m.

Yesterday I did everything possible that I could think of to get myself out of this funk. I went to the gym (though I got really upset halfway through my workout because my gym sucks so bad and I was on the verge of tears. When I got back from France this last time I came into the gym and found that they had half the weight machines that I use dismantled. So for three weeks I was making do. Then they got those machines back together and twelve of the fourteen treadmills broke so for two weeks I wasn't able to get on a treadmill. Yesterday when I walked in the OTHER half of the weight machines I use were dismantled, though I was able to use the treadmill. So essentially, for five weeks I haven't been able to do a full workout and I got upset.) ANYWAY. I went to the gym and then I went to the (GASP!) TANNING BED. This is my third visit to the tanning bed in the last twelve months and I think that is excessive. I only go for eight minutes. Just enough to warm up and get some light. But I still feel guilty. But it helps. It really helps. Then I went for a walk, for an hour and a half. And then I ate a big dinner. My tendency when I get stressed is to not eat at all. But that is counterproductive. I end up more strung out that way. So I ate. And then I slept for ten hours. Right now I feel great but in forty minutes I have to leave for work and I am worried that I will walk in there and get stressed again. We shall see. Yesterday I was so visably upset that my friend Lucas sneaked out and bought my a twelve pack of Coke in a can (my favorite treat and a Skor bar (my second favorite treat). And of course, I burst into tears because someone did something so nice for me.

I realized last night that my life can pretty much be summed up by the fact that every single thing that I have that has knobs, is missing a knob. Making it quite a task to make something work. The heater fan in my car is missing the knob so for a while I was using pliers to turn it on. Then E. pointed out that I could take the knob off the temperture control thing and use that. Now I have one knob that I switch back and forth. My oven is also missing the knob. I have to use a washcloth over the protruding metal half moon thing to turn my oven on and I just have to guess where the right place will be for whatever temp I need. My washer is missing the knob to turn it on, as is my dryer. My life is like that too. In order to do anything it requires more effort than should be necessary. But today, the guy that is fixing my dryer is bringing a knob for my dryer, my washer AND the oven. Today things should shape up. Today should be the start of things getting done smoothly.



I am thinking that I should take all my broken knobs and glue them to my hurdle in some sort of artistic manner. That would be quite a poignant piece of artwork. The hurdle and the missing knobs.


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