2003-09-25 - 9:38 p.m.

I did something today that I am ashamed about. I did something that was against every thing I believe, it made me feel for the first time in my life as though had no compassion, no understanding.

I've never belittled the feelings of anyone. A bad day to someone, a day that can just ruin their entire well being for the day, could be just that they got a cold cup of coffee. I have never been one to say, "Oh, yeah, you think you got it bad?" Because to them, that is the worst thing that happened and it effected them. All I can do is try to understand that their day is ruined and listen to them about it, not try to out do them with my bad day stories.

What I did today was this. A girl I work with, Kelly, sent her husband off to the Air Force seven months ago. She has seen him a few times since then, spent probably a month total with him since he left. He is due to come home in two weeks. Today she said, "I am so relieved, it has been so hard to be away from him for seven months," and what I said was, "WAH...try being apart for a year and a half with another two years looming in front of you,"

Yeah, that's my sob story, yes I feel sorry for myself, but I don't expect anyone else to and I didn't mean to belittle her sadness. I feel bad. I don't know why I did it. Maybe I am wanted someone to acknowledge that it must be hard so I could put a name to these feelings I go through, the pain of seperation, the desperation, the impatience, the weeks when we are together and everything is rushed and chaotic because we just want to live it up with whatever time we have together. I feel crazy these days, and no one knows that. Maybe I was calling out for someone to listen to me this time.

Or maybe I was just being an ass.

I don't know.

All I know is that I feel bad.

And to top it all off I sat for two impatient hours in French class listening to my teacher be an idiot and then came home and got in an argument with E. about cats (not mine, just cats in general) and when I said I love you at the end of the phone call he just said bye.

So now I feel really crappy and can only tell you people about it because I will never say another word about my life to the people in my life. Just because I need to do penance for the terrible thing I said today.

I need to go to bed now.

I need to it to be 2005 right now.

And I need my brother to come home.

Fucker come home.


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