2002-09-08 - 5:28 a.m.

ďIíll take the six egg omelet with every kind of meat you have in it, NO VEGETABLES, extra cheese and top it with gravy,Ē a five million pound man who, from the exertion he has to put forth in order to hold the menu, is sweating profusely tells me.

ďUh, okay, would you like pancakes, toast or a muffin with that?Ē I ask.

ďNo, none of that, could I substitute an order of sausage?Ē

ďSure,Ē I tell him eyeing his chest as if at any moment I will see his heart pounce out of its cavity and onto the table.

ďOkay, Iíll take two orders of sausage then,Ē

ďThat would be eight links of sausage sir,Ē

ďOh, better make it two and a half orders then,Ē he says confidently.

Is this a joke?

No, THIS, my friends, is the Atkins diet. For the last few weeks, since the newest reports have come out stating that the Atkins Diet isnít as bad for you as previously thought, there has been a resurgence of overweight people coming in for omelets covered in lard. And I, for the past few weeks, have been pouring over study after study trying to find out HOW IN THE WORLD ANYONE CAN CLAIM THIS DIET IS GOOD? I donít care about statistics, statistics mean naught to me. Statistics donít work, who knows who they used for their studies, probably healthy people who didnít need to lose more than five pounds and had healthy enough bodies to withstand mass quantities of protein and fat poured into them. And, Iím sure they didnít take genetics into account either when tabulating their statistics. Statistics suck. What I have found while browsing through books and web pages, is that you can make ANYTHING sound right. One day I can be reading all things pro-ATkins and by the end of the day believe I might have been wrong, maybe this diet IS good. But then the next I read everything anti-Atkins and I believe my previous days thought was wrong, that the Atkins diet is pure evil. What I do know to be truth is that since the birth of homosapiens our anatomy and metabolism has not changed. We started eating nuts, berries, roots and whatever small animals we could get. That is what are bodies are designed for. Not Twinkies, not double cheeseburgers. I have never been overweight, not once in my entire life. There has never been a time in life where I have needed to lose weight. Why? Because I eat correctly, because I exercise. There, why am I not making billions of dollars? I have the easiest weight loss and maintenance plan in the world, one that works, one that is healthy. Eat all the freakin healthy food you want, keep the sugars, fats and other crap to a minimum. And get your fucking ass to the gym. Jesus. How hard is that? Here, you want me to lay out a menu plan for you? I will. Here it is....EAT HEALTHY FUCKING FOOD IN MINIMAL QUANTITIES FOR EVERY MEAL. It makes me so mad that these diet gurus are making so much money by brain washing Americans into thinking that the only way to lose weight is to go on a schemed diet. Makes me SO so so so mad. Isnít it bad enough that we canít even be held responsible enough to manage our money wisely enough to do away with social secuirity? Our government made sure to step up for that, and there are nicotine patches because we canít handle getting rid of an addiction on our own, religion because we have to have something, other than ourselves, to rely on. Come on, take some responsibility for yourselves, stop relying on other people to solve your problems, they donít want to help you, they want to make money.

And while Iím at it, Iím sick and tired of these freakiní protein bars too. People are morons. Did you know that virtually EVERYTHING you put in your mouth has protein in it? Spaghetti has 10 grams, cottage cheese has 10 grams, a cup of yogurt has ten grams. You eat a cup of spaghetti, a cup of low fat cottage cheese and a container of low fat yogurt and you are STILL below the fat grams one PowerBar has AND you are getting MORE protein than said PowerBar and you are not starving half an hour later. But what about the vitamins they put in those bars you might be asking? Uh, yeah, WHY DONíT YOU TRY TAKING A VITAMIN PILL IN THE MORNING DUMBASS? Unless you like spend $2.50 on a bar of chemicals? Do these people that are eating these protein bars, thinking they are doing something good for themselves, even know how much protein they are supposed to have in a day anyway?



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