2002-09-12 - 7:35 p.m.

Okay, I’ll admit it, I am being a neighbor Nazi.

For the (Jesus god, can this be true?) EIGHT years (no, no that CAN’T possibly be true) that I have resided here, in this little house in this little village, I have had nothing but impossibly horrible neighbors in the house that sits to the east of me. The house that is only 20 feet from my walls. When I moved here WAY BACK THE FUCK WHEN, that house was vacant and oh how I loved life back then. For the first two months I had no one but the neighbors to the west and the people across the street to worry about. My neighbors to the west cause me little grief, the only complaint I have ever had with them is their drunk friend who on occasions stumbles into my yard and slurs, “Man, YER HOT!” Anyway, the first family moved into that house a few months after I moved in. They had something like 100 children. These children dripped from the windows, literally. I would come home and 50 of the 100 would hang out their windows and yell over and over again, “HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII WHISPER!!!!! HIIIIIIIIIIIIIII WHISPER!!!!” And, if that wasn’t enough, their dog would join in at all hours...all night long, all day long, yelping in dog voice, “HIIIIIIIIIIIIII WHISPER!!!!! HIIIIIIIIIIIII WHISPER!!!!!” The man of the house was one of the OCD lawn mowers, he would mow his lawn twice a day everyday and then get out a weekwacker made for rainforests and whack his weeds until I wanted to shout, “Hey, go whack something else, I don’t even care if you do it in my driveway, just stop whacking weeds for the love of god!” So...they moved a couple years later. Then the real trouble started. Since their departure there have been other families there, many other families. Kids that would open the kitty window as I was sitting at the computer and say, “Can Smitten come out and play?” and when I would reply , “No, Smitten the Kitten CANNOT come out and play,” they would ask, “Well, then can YOU?” Cute, but would have been cuter if they had used the door door and had not seen me sitting in my room in front of a computer screen wearing my underwear. And cops, lots of cops visiting these other families, whether it be because their pitbull kept jumping the six foot privacy fence to eat some unsuspecting human or because their car had been repossessed..the cops visited every family that has lived in that house more than once.

So. I have been a neighbor Nazi. I have managed to keep people from buying that house since May. This is what I do. I stand guard at my window. When I see someone getting out of their car to look at the house I will quickly make an assumption about them based on a one second glance. Then I spring into action. I see a frumpy women dressed in pegged pants and a “My kid is a straight A student” sweatshirt and I will quickly pop my Metallica into the stereo and play it at top volume until they leave. Who would want to live next door to a head banger who thrashes around to Metallica at 3 in the afternoon? I see a couple with young kids and I open my back door and start throwing things (like bags of chips) out with great force, screaming things like, “You’re EVIL, I TOLD YOU NOT TO TEMPT ME ANYMORE, YOU’RE THE DEVIL, THE DEVIL, THIS HOUSE IS POSSESSED BY THE DEVIL! GET OUT, GET OUT!” Who would want their kids to live next to a crazy person? If the people looking at the house appear to be the type that would like Metallica and probably would like living next to a crazy, demon possessed person I will play my Mozart at top volume and flit outside in some flowing skirt and gather flowers while talking baby talk to my cats. Who would be able to stand to live next door to some chirping humming bird? Once, only once, has someone looked at the house that appeared to be someone I could get along with. A nice, single guy who was in college and wanted to buy a house so he could fix it up and sell it in a few years. I quickly stuffed myself into my bathing suit and ran out the front door making sure my breasts were bouncing and my ass jostling...(okay, so that was a little whorish, but DAMMIT, I gotta have a good neighbor, I will stop at nothing!)

Tonight, when I looked out from my post and saw a nice, young couple, quiet, dressed casually, sipping coffee from cups from my favorite coffee shop, I panicked. I had no idea how to seduce them, and frankly, found myself a little tired of the game. So I just went outside and walked resolutely across my driveway and said, “Please, oh please, just buy this house.” I think I surely failed and now I give up.


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