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2002-05-28 - 6:13 p.m.
A few years ago my ex-boyfriend and I were going to build a house. His parents had
given us a beautiful piece of property, all we had to do was pick out some plans, get a
builder and some permits and that was that. For weeks we leafed through magazines of
home plans, we drove around and looked at houses, we met with a few builders and finally
one Sunday night we found the perfect house plan and we ordered it. Once we got the
plans I called a builder who had been recommended to us and he met with J. at the
property to give us some estimates. What he told us was, “Sure, I can build this house for
X-amount, BUT, you have a water table problem here. You’re going to have to do this
and this and blah, blah, blah before we can build here or you’re going to have a flood
problem every time the water table rises. To remedy this problem it will cost you another
ten grand.”
It wasn’t the cost of fixing the problem that worried us, the property had been given
to us and that in itself had saved us a ton of money. We were worried about the future of
the house. I called my Dad, who is a builder, and asked him about it. When he started
talking I knew I should be listening, not because of the house, but because of my life. His
first sentence was, “You can build your dream house anywhere, but that doesn’t mean it’s
going to last.”
He went on to tell me that sure, it’s okay to fix the problem NOW, the house will be
fine for a while. And then he gave me a for instance. If you build your house with cheap
wood, cheap material, things that aren’t everlasting and solid, your house will be fine,
beautiful in fact. It will look great. But then you’re going to start getting creaks, things
are going to start sagging before their time. Your house will still look great, but it won’t
be great structure wise. It won’t last. Same thing with the water. For a few years things
will appear fine, and then you’ll start getting a few wet spots in the basement, you’ll have
to fix things, then suddenly one day you’ll wake up and you’ll have a basement full of
water. He told me that we should find different property. Property that is good from the
start, something to build a solid foundation on. In my head something clicked. Way back
then, something clicked.
My ex and I didn’t end up building on that property and for the next three years we
made half assed attempts to find a house or find property to build our house on. We went
through so many different options. I think both of us were subconsciously sabotaging the
whole thing. He still doesn’t believe that he did that, he doesn’t believe that he
subconsciously sabotaged things so that we wouldn’t move forth in our relationship. But I
know that I did. I know that I did a lot.
Lately I have been finding myself in the throes of panic when I think about the
prospect of having a new relationship with someone else. My year of solitude is drawing
to an end. Soon I will be back in the field. And this scares me. It scares me because my
ex was my dream house, he fit every ideal I ever had, but the solid foundation wasn’t
there, the everlasting wasn’t there. There were things missing in our relationship that
made it falter.
So I wonder, can someone actually find their dream house and build it on a solid and
everlasting foundation? Will any relationship I have in the future appear to be beautiful
and perfect but really be faltering? I can’t handle that prospect. I can’t handle another
heart break in this life. So would I rather just live alone for the rest of my life? I wouldn’t
mind it, I am perfectly happy right, happier than I have ever been, more sane than I have
ever been and I am content even though I miss kissing someone until my lips get swollen
and bruised. But I also know that if I found that right man out there I could be even
happier than this. Am I willing to risk ultimate happiness for just happiness? I haven’t
decided that yet. But I am thinking about it. I am seriously thinking about it. |
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