2002-05-29 - 9:07 p.m.

I’ve been feeling miserably out of control lately. The problem is that it is the type of out of control that comes from over-blissing, from excitement, from pure, unabashed hope. I don’t like to feel that way, I like things to putter around at a regulated and anticipated speed. When I start catching myself day dreaming about certain things, when I catch myself doing out of control things, for instance, checking my e-mail every five seconds, I start to feel miserable. Because dammit! I like to be the one calling the shots, I like to be in power, in control of every situation on earth.

I can’t really say what the situation is that is making me go through these tortuous spells of over-bliss. But I can give you an example. Imagine that you had a favorite candy bar. You ate one of these candy bars every day for years and years and slowly that candy bar started depleting you of your beauty, of your innate energy, the candy bar began to consume you, you spent every day doing things just so you could get home and eat your candy bar. One day you realize that you cannot continue in that fashion, that you had lost the person you once were so you quit eating the candy bar. You swore you would never eat that particular candy bar again and you would eat no other candy bar for one year. And slowly you regained your beauty, your energy came back, people started to comment on how different and content you looked. And soon enough your year was starting to draw to an end and some company came out with a new candy bar. And this new candy bar sounded SOOO good, so perfect, not the same as your old favorite candy bar, completely different but still sounding like it was divine. This new candy bar enticed you like no other ever had, it had things that you never dreamed a candy bar could have. You start thinking about this candy bar at any free moment you might have, you think about how good it will feel to taste this candy bar when your year is finally up. You see glimpses of this candy bar in commercials, people talk about this candy bar and you know that soon enough this candy bar will be melting in your greedy little paws. But you have to wait. And during this wait you start thinking, “What if this candy bar isn’t every thing I anticipate? What if I eat this candy bar and it ends up being worse for me than the last candy bar? What if I give my life up again for the love of this candy bar and lose myself again? Maybe I shouldn’t ever have another candy bar. Maybe I should just play it safe. Can I just pretend I never heard of this candy bar?"

Oh, but there it is again, you dream about this candy bar, you think about it during the day, you see it on the TV....and you like that, you like to think about this candy bar. But maybe you need to not think about it, but you can’t really do that because the thought consumes your every thought....”

This is what I feel like. I have a candy bar in my future, maybe. But I’m terrified of it.

When I am afraid of losing control I give things up. It is my way of regaining control, of feeling in power. My candy bar, that I have nick named, “What If” has made me give up quite a few things in the past week. I have never felt this fear. I have never felt, at the same time, feelings of, “Please let this happen,” and “Please don’t let this happen.” I am totally at a loss. In the past week I have had to give up butter, chocolate and cheese muffins. I suspect that if this “candy bar” stays in my future I will lose about 20 pounds. And while I don’t need to lose 20 pounds, it would be okay if I did because I think, I really think, this new candy bar, if I allowed myself to fall prey to it, might be able to put those few needed pounds of life back on me.

Fancy that.


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