|
2002-05-29 - 9:07 p.m.
I’ve been feeling miserably out of control lately. The problem is that it is the type of
out of control that comes from over-blissing, from excitement, from pure, unabashed
hope. I don’t like to feel that way, I like things to putter around at a regulated and
anticipated speed. When I start catching myself day dreaming about certain things, when I
catch myself doing out of control things, for instance, checking my e-mail every five
seconds, I start to feel miserable. Because dammit! I like to be the one calling the shots, I
like to be in power, in control of every situation on earth.
I can’t really say what the situation is that is making me go through these tortuous
spells of over-bliss. But I can give you an example. Imagine that you had a favorite candy
bar. You ate one of these candy bars every day for years and years and slowly that candy
bar started depleting you of your beauty, of your innate energy, the candy bar began to
consume you, you spent every day doing things just so you could get home and eat your
candy bar. One day you realize that you cannot continue in that fashion, that you had lost
the person you once were so you quit eating the candy bar. You swore you would never
eat that particular candy bar again and you would eat no other candy bar for one year.
And slowly you regained your beauty, your energy came back, people started to comment
on how different and content you looked. And soon enough your year was starting to
draw to an end and some company came out with a new candy bar. And this new candy
bar sounded SOOO good, so perfect, not the same as your old favorite candy bar,
completely different but still sounding like it was divine. This new candy bar enticed you
like no other ever had, it had things that you never dreamed a candy bar could have.
You start thinking about this candy bar at any free moment you might have, you think
about how good it will feel to taste this candy bar when your year is finally up. You see
glimpses of this candy bar in commercials, people talk about this candy bar and you know
that soon enough this candy bar will be melting in your greedy little paws. But you have
to wait. And during this wait you start thinking, “What if this candy bar isn’t every thing I
anticipate? What if I eat this candy bar and it ends up being worse for me than the last
candy bar? What if I give my life up again for the love of this candy bar and lose myself
again? Maybe I shouldn’t ever have another candy bar. Maybe I should just play it safe.
Can I just pretend I never heard of this candy bar?" Oh, but there it is again, you dream
about this candy bar, you think about it during the day, you see it on the TV....and you
like that, you like to think about this candy bar. But maybe you need to not think about it,
but you can’t really do that because the thought consumes your every thought....”
This is what I feel like. I have a candy bar in my future, maybe. But I’m terrified of
it.
When I am afraid of losing control I give things up. It is my way of regaining control,
of feeling in power. My candy bar, that I have nick named, “What If” has made me give
up quite a few things in the past week. I have never felt this fear. I have never felt, at the
same time, feelings of, “Please let this happen,” and “Please don’t let this happen.” I am
totally at a loss. In the past week I have had to give up butter, chocolate and cheese
muffins. I suspect that if this “candy bar” stays in my future I will lose about 20 pounds.
And while I don’t need to lose 20 pounds, it would be okay if I did because I think, I
really think, this new candy bar, if I allowed myself to fall prey to it, might be able to put
those few needed pounds of life back on me.
Fancy that. |
|
