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2024-04-20 - 9:22 p.m.
I have always been very sensitive to certain noises and sounds and even after I became, for all intents and purposes, deaf, those noises still trigger me. "Clicky" shoes are in the top five of the list of sounds that will throw me into a spiral of crazy. I have not owned a pair of shoes that make a clicky noise from the heel, possibly ever. I've had a weird, busy, disheveled, panic loaded, shit show of a life lately. I've been trying to manage it. I'm coping. I'm taking lots of meditative breaks during the day and adjusting all sorts of things in my life to embrace this new chapter and make it work. It's a lot of procedure. I just want to be comfortable again. Anyway, yesterday was NOT comfortable. The spice job is going well, they changed what they want me to be there so now I'm learning to be a sales rep and I have to travel around and be pretty and nice and I'm NOT really comfortable with introducing myself to strangers in strange towns and trying to sell them things. Yesterday was hard and frustrating and I had to go to a couple big stores and I don't feel that I'm properly equipped to be professional in a big store setting. So I was upset at the end of my work day. I still had two other stores I had planned to go to but I gave up and headed home. I stopped at Kroger to get a couple things for me and the cats. And in the produce aisle, while I was fussing over the beets, trying to find the best bunch, a woman clicked by me. My eye started twitching immediately. I swear this woman followed me around the entire store, thank god I'm one of those shoppers who sticks to the periphery of the store for the most part because I lost her when she went down the aisle with the bottled water. But she caught up to me in the cat food aisle, click click click. And she walked hard. I came home and got hit with one of my cold flashes and had to crawl into my cocoon (I have to be completely under, my head included), five blankets which include a heating blanket and a weighted blanket and I have my heating pad underneath me. It is the only way I can make a cold flash stop. So...it was not a stellar day. And I had been having a chain of stellar, productive, motivating days. And maybe it was that chain of pure Adrenalin energy and momentum I've been on the last couple weeks that made me absolutely just crash last night. I managed to wash the cat dishes and fill their cereal and wash my face but that was it. And this morning, though I woke up pretty early, I barely got out of bed today. I watched a movie, I read a cookbook, I did some spice work (but not much) and I played solitaire and gin rummy on my phone and looked up a bunch of random stuff. Like, I'm obsessed with birds nests right now. I spent an inordinate amount of time today reading about birds nests. Otherwise, I got up to refill my ridiculous amount of various beverages...at one time I had two different kinds of tea, coffee, hot chocolate, bubble water with lemon and, of course, my stupid Taco Bell cup with water that I can't live without, on my bedside table. I also got up to feed the cats and myself. My body has made such a tremendous change with this menopause crap. I'm learning to own it and be one with this body I now have. I haven't gained weight like so many women do but my body has definitely changed. And my metabolism has changed drastically. I used to be able to go for days without really eating anything but almonds and green beans. Now my blood sugar drops significantly if I don't eat every couple hours (yes, I test it). So now I've taken to eating the same amount of calories I did when I would have two meals a day...except I'm spreading the food out all day. So, for example, if I had yogurt with berries, nuts and my seedy, grainy cereal flakes on top and a piece of toast with avocado and hemp seeds on it (this is my typical breakfast), I now deconstruct that and have the yogurt with berries and cereal and then a couple hours later, a handful of nuts, then a couple hours later, the toast. Then I move on to the dinner part. Today I had a salad but I left the chickpeas and beets out, then a while later I had pan con tomate and in a little while, I'm going to have the chickpeas and beets from the salad. Then I put a bedside snack out for myself that I eat around 4 am. I feel better, I'm basically fueling myself all day instead of filling myself up (makes me sluggish) and then starving. Anyway. This is a lame entry. I just need to get back to writing here.
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