2022-10-16 - 4:44 p.m.

I can't get started today. I'm not surprised by this but I am annoyed by it. I worked over time again this week and my body is a bit wrecked and tired and undernourished having survived mainly on almonds and clementines and an occasional snack of three french fries with ketchup and red pepper flakes that I'll allow myself three times a week. This new job could be a french fry disaster for me. I've always been very much against the taking of french fries from customers plates before serving the meal. This practice runs rampant in the world of people in the restaurant business. Stolen french fries are a mainstay of most people employed in a restaurant. Myself? I find the act of taking food off a plate intended for someone else, deplorable. I don't really know why, I just do. Whenever I need a French fry fix I would always ask the fry person if they would put a few fries on a dish for me next time they made a batch. At the place I'm working now, we, the servers, plate the fries ourselves from a giant bowl the cooks keep full. Which means that I can at any given time just give myself a big serving of fries and not be stealing off a customer's plate. So I had to immediately put restrictions on myself about the fries. I can have three, three times a week. is Sunday and we all know I'm a lazy slob on Sunday regardless of how malnourished, broken bodied and tired I am. Additionally, this morning I woke up to my very irregular now that I'm in menopausal hell, period. With full on cramps. There is a sense of comfort in this. It's been a lot of months since I've had anything normal happen in the realm of my reproductive organ system. And according to my calculations, I just had a perfect 28 day cycle for the first time in a very long time. I might be a slacker with a lot of things and possibly, to the onlooker, the most unorganized person on the planet...but, I have my stuff together, believe it or not. I'm not one of those people who just says everything is a mess but they know where everything is. I really DO know where everything is. (Except a photo of me as a kid that is my favorite picture of me ever and I remember stashing it some place safe and I've never found it. It's going on 20 years now that I've been looking for the damn thing.) And I have my body's systems documented to a scary level of accuracy. So, dealing with this menopause stuff and the unknowing of when or where or what is happening has been disconcerting. It's astonishingly comforting to have this little bit of normal happening even if I am writhing in pain and not able to eat (though malnourished) because it makes me sick to do so.

This is, yet again, not what I came here to talk about. I'm on a roll with getting sidetracked lately.

I wanted to talk about how I should have just given up for the day around 1 when I emptied the sink for the third time today to refill it with hot water. Washing the dishes from the previous day is my cue that the productive portion of my day has begun. When I wake up in the morning I do a quick check on kitties, I go upstairs, slap down some wet food for the few cats I have who prefer it over the five different dry kibbles they have available 24/7 and then I grab my coffee and go back to my bed for an hour or so to scroll the social media (which I'm doing far less frequently now that I've discovered the wordles of the world and I'm doing crossword puzzles, too), play solitaire, read diaries, read recipes, that sort of thing. Then I'll sigh and tell whichever cat(s) that is snuggled up with me to move and go get me more coffee. Neither of which they will do. So I gather up my Beaker and carry him upstairs with me and put him on the cat tower and give him treats to make up for disturbing morning cuddles. Then I go to the kitchen and put the stopper in the sink and start loading in the dishes (I have 12 cats and I cook multiple meals a day for myself when I'm not on an almond and clementine diet. There are lots of dishes). While the sink is filling, I'll load up a podcast or audio book and press play and then I wash the dishes and clean the kitchen a little and then I'm on with my day. Today I have managed to not do a single dish and I've started the endeavor three times now. The next time I go in the kitchen I'm just going to throw everything in the dishwasher and pretend the entire thing doesn't exist until tomorrow.

What I had intended to do today, and I still have hope as it's only 5:30 and I don't go to sleep until at least 1, was put my living room back together. I have internet now! So I can get my TV hooked back up and start watching my shows and movies on something other than my computer screen. I haven't had a living room since Eric moved out. I don't even know how many years ago that was now? Good lord. The TV has been in a closet since then and the space where there used to be a living room, and then my bedroom when Eric and I started sleeping in separate rooms, has been empty except for some random crap. It is entirely unused by anybody except a couple cats who sleep in there. I miss watching TV on a couch like a civilized human being. And I miss my old bedtime routine which I hope to get back to. It didn't include watching Netflix in bed on my computer with unbrushed teeth and unwashed feet and a plate of food on my chest. Hopefully by next Sunday I'll have that room put back together and I can have a couch day and watch movies...with a plate of food on my chest.


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