2022-10-10 - 6:34 p.m.

It's 7:00 pm and I just started a pot of coffee. Which is surely a miscalculation in judgement on my part. But I'm physically tired with a spinning brain which won't let me fall asleep anyway, I might as well just caffeinate myself and accomplish something from my to do list. And yes, making a DL post is on my list. This is currently the only spot I have in which to write things down. And I need to be writing to curb some manias and anxieties that are twirling through my head. The reason why this is my only writing outlet? That is another story. Anyway, I slept horribly last night. Partially due to cats and other animals, partially due to this back pain thing, partially due to some weird and unexpected anxieties that are making me quite manic but mostly fucking due to this hot flash shit. Fortunately (?) these fucking hot flashes occur in the middle of the night and not any other time. Last night, after my third wake-up due to drowning in my own sweat, I got up and took a cold bath and drank a bunch of ice water. Then I was shivering and fell back to sleep for about an hour before waking up to all the water I had downed just spilling from every sweat gland on my body. Jesus god.

Here are some things happening in my little world. My ex husband. He was recently on a romantic trip to France with his girlfriend. I do not have any regrets about getting a divorce. We had let everything fall apart and neither of us are the type of partner who is going to be the keeper together of things. Today while I was in the checkout lane at the grocery store there was a man behind me who declined to move to the lane next to the one we were waiting in because he said, "I'm getting all my vitamins just looking in her cart." (I did have a ton of fruits and vegetables.) He struck up conversation with me by telling me that he's a bachelor and just cooks from the microwave and gestured to his cart which was indeed full of microwave meals and 2 liters of cherry soda. He told me that when his wife had been alive, she cooked healthy meals for him and packed his lunch for him every day and gave him $20 a week in spending money but otherwise, she took his paycheck and he never saw it or really had any idea how much money he was making until she passed away and he saw how much money she had saved in their account. That's the type of wife Eric needs. And I'm not it. I hope his new girlfriend is reigning him in a bit. I don't mean to sound like I think he needs a personality change or a dictator wife...he just needs and I think, WANTS, someone to say, "put it down". I'm sure she's learning about his excesses. It's lovely at first. But at some point, he needs to cool it. So, yeah, I don't regret our divorce, I do not get jealous when I see their cute pictures on the social media. I love the man and always will, he was and probably will always be my only love at first sight, but our time was done. What has thrown me into a tizzy is that she is only 39. She already has two children and the thought of Eric being a stepfather and in the lives of two kids was already enough for me to deal with. But now it looks like they are getting really serious and I realize that if he has a child with her, I will possibly jump off a building. Whether I mean that literally or figuratively, I don't know. But I am sure that I won't be able to handle it if he has a child with her. I have declined going to counseling for the alcohol episode and also for some other things. I feel that I have that all under control at the current time. But this thing about Eric and his young girlfriend is making me absolutely wrecked. He knew I wanted children. And I respected his wish to not have children. Now I'm in fucking hot flash menopausal hell so the biological route isn't going to work and I'm fairly certain a'int nobody gonna give a 50 year old woman with 12 cats and a restaurant job a child to adopt. So Eric better not have a kid. I'm serious. I'm bracing myself for it and I really am going to start going to counseling to be on top of the situation.

Another thing I'm having anxiety about is that I need to talk to my uncle and my dad about what happened with me and the alcohol episode. I've been avoiding both of their calls. I'm not ready to tell them that I was drinking every day since the beginning of the year and that for seven days prior to the incident I hadn't had anything to eat and the only thing going in my body had been copious amounts of wine. I don't want to tell them about my depression and all that that entails. Most people have no idea I have/had a very dark and isolated space in my life. Most people think I am just a happy little bubble of a person and I AM a happy and kind person. I AM upbeat, cheerful, positive and I know I bring smiles to a lot of people. And I try to keep most people on that side of my veil, not the shroud under which I keep the heavy dark stuff. My uncle and my dad are two people who would have had no idea I had it in me to burn it down. And I really don't want to have the conversation with either one of them. I want to just go back to happy bubble land with them.

There are lots of other things. I shopped for plane tickets to Texas today. I am being aggressive. I am not aggressive by nature but I'm being aggressive. Everything about this situation is out of the ordinary for anybody. So, although I am restraining myself from obsessively calling him a billion times a day and I keep my texts to a max of two a day unless he's sent me something to respond to, I still consider myself to be moving aggressively. We speak almost every day and have done so for months. But neither of us have broached the subject of other romantic situations. I have no idea if he has a girlfriend or even just a woman with whom he shares time with who would rip my hair out when I stroll into town. I don't know his situation and yet I'm shopping for plane tickets. The audacity. On my end, yep, I have drama. And I should be talking about it. The cause of my drama is fully aware that I'm in love with someone else and that there is nobody else on this planet for me at this point. But he will not leave me alone. It's an ordeal. Anyway, I am fully aware that Texas is going to break my heart. And I don't care. I have never felt this way about someone and even if all he gives me is this small period of time, I'll take it. When I had my little house in Vicksburg, every time I walked in the door I would have this very specific feeling sweep through me. It was a rush of an absolute of something, of everything. I was home. It was the most peaceful feeling I've ever had. And I got to have it everyday for almost ten years. When I moved, I thought the feeling would eventually come back but it never did. Which was devastating. It's been twenty years now and sometimes I wonder if I would be better off not knowing that that feeling existed. Because I hunger for it. Ultimately I know that having had that feeling was something purely magical and not to be traded even if it is something I miss desperately. I feel the same about the way I love this person. He is an absolute of something, of everything and I will never feel for anybody the way I feel about him. So, yes, even if I just see his face once, touch his hand once...I have known my perfect love and that's more than I could have ever hoped for.

And I'm leaving it at that even though I could keep tapping away all night. I have cats to feed and gather and I have an early shift at work tomorrow so I should probably try to get my caffeinated self wound down a bit.


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