2022-09-10 - 12:41 p.m.

Aside from not having any money and having to drink Cafe Bustelo from an auto drip coffee maker on the kitchen counter even though my favorite coffee shop is right down the road and I've been making purposeful detours around town just so I don't drive by it and start is getting better. Confusing as f, but, better. Because I am rather vapid at times and I have a lot of truly useful and interesting things I should be documenting, I am instead going to dwell on my fingernails for a bit. I've been thrilling that since I haven't been doing much of anything, not even gardening or washing dishes, my fingernails are getting long and pretty. What a useless thing to be excited about when I'm rebuilding my life. But, I used to have the most gorgeous nails. Then I started massage school and had to cut them all down. I tried to make the best of it and started learning to play the guitar at the same time. My uncle had purchased me a lovely Taylor acoustic a year or so before that and I was excited until I found out I would have to cut my nails to take lessons. So she just sat in her case in my closet for a long time. Anyway, massage school forced me to cut my nails, I graduated the program a couple years later, worked in a gym for a bit as their massage therapist, learned one song on the guitar and then started working full time in the restaurant world and my fingernails never came back, neither did the desire to be a massage therapist or learn how to play the guitar. Sigh.

I went job hunting yesterday. I got one job, right away. It's at a junky breakfast restaurant. I also signed up to be a door dasher. My thought was I could work the breakfast job, be done by two every day, then dash for dinner and be home in bed by 8. It sounds ideal to me. And I can wear whatever I want at the restaurant and it's really low key. But, there isn't a lot of money to be made that way. My soul tells me that it's the right thing to do right now. I'm a little bit broken and I could use a bit of time to get this patched up. But I also need to make a living. I'm a single woman who doesn't want to move just yet (anyway, my house payment is less than most rent or house payments on smaller houses, I would be foolish to leave that house). And I have the cats to take care of. The restaurant I had just started at is still calling me to see when I'm coming back. It is where I will make the most money. For sure. But, man, I'm so embarrassed. I keep looking at all the bruises still all over my body and well aware of my tweaked back that I either hurt during my fall or when I was fighting the people in the emergency room. My black eyes are finally starting to kind of disappear, but they are there and still very tender to the touch. So I'm having a difficult time putting that whole thing away into the darkest parts of my memory, which is something I am usually very good at. I've also received call backs from two nice restaurants in Milford. I have interviews on Tuesday. I won't make as much money at either place as I would the place in Brighton. But way more than the breakfast restaurant. And, man, it would be nice to have a job 1/2 mile from my house. Sigh.

As for my love life. It's just as confusing as everything else right now. I'm not going to worry about it, though. What happens, happens. I have no commitment to anyone and I know I need to keep it that way for just now until I'm back in my house and I have my job figured out. In the meantime, I have a soul love, I wake up in the morning and he is the first thing on my mind and I just smile and smile and smile. I still have not met him in person and I'm not sure he feels the same about me. But he brings out something in me that I haven't seen in myself in a long time. So he's stuck with my soul swooning over him whether he likes it or not. He's a fantasy man for me. Had it not been for the disaster August was for me, I would be planning my trip to see him right now. And then I have my tried and true love, we have been best friends for 27 years. He would do anything to make sure I'm safe and taken care of. He is my emergency contact. That's how close we are. I know he wants me to be his girlfriend again but I won't break his heart ever again. So if I do go back to him, it's a forever commitment. And I have M. He knows about all of this. But he's still in my life. We've been working it out just as friends. But since my accident occurred, he suddenly loves me and has been telling me that I'm beautiful which is something I've not heard from him in the 7 years we were "together". And I have various other handsome, viable, successful men calling or texting to see if I'm back on the east side of the state yet and if I'm ready to go out on a date. Sigh.

As I was driving back to Kalamazoo yesterday, I saw a truck that had the 1203 chemical placard on it. I always get excited when I see one of those, my birthday is 1203 and it makes me happy to ever see a reminder of my birthday. So, for years and years, those trucks with that code on them have always made me smile. Until I looked up what the 1203 chemical placard means. Flammable. Sigh.


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