2022-05-22 - 1:23 p.m.

I need to get a big dumpster and get rid of most everything and start over. I had this plan in November. I was ready to rock and roll. I took three days off starting the day the dumpster was delivered and I had it all planned out. I was super excited. When the dumpster arrived I ran outside to gaze at it with excited anticipation and then, all of a sudden, I got really woozy and a pounding headache. I took some stuff out but then had to sleep the rest of the day and night. I had covid. At that time, a positive covid test meant you had to be in quarantine for two weeks, I think it's less now...but, it took me those two weeks to fill that dumpster (which then cost me a lot of extra money). I was slow moving and just exhausted. I told all my neighbors to throw whatever they wanted to in there because I knew I wouldn't be able to have enough energy to haul out the furniture I wanted to haul out and I couldn't be near anybody so asking for help was out of the question. Anyway, I'm ready to get another dumpster to get rid of the stuff I wanted to get rid of in the first place. But every time I start to dial the number to order it, I freak out. Like, if I get the dumpster and make the plans to clear my life of this I going to get sick again? Because I don't want that at all. I didn't even have terrible covid (I had had my vaccines), just tired, very tired, coughing, no taste or smell and an annoying headache. The thing is, most of that persists seven months later. My taste is definitely changed drastically. Things I used to love are disgusting to me now. And I'm exhausted all the time. It might have something to do with my ruptured ear drums and the fact that my body is working overtime trying to repair all sorts of things in my body...but I'm exhausted of being exhausted. I'm going to get the damn dumpster next week even though I know it's going to cause me a bit of ptsd. And I'm going to attempt to throw away most of my stuff. I feel like I want to just live in house with nothing in it except cat beds and normal kitchen appliances and a bed for me and a couch for when my brother visits. And I want to paint everything white and just be pure for a minute. I've put most of my houseplants outside for the summer but I even want them gone. This past winter I let my lemon and fig trees die from neglect. I just didn't care.

In other news...the other day I was sitting outside with my neighbors chickens and three of my cats. They all got really agitated all of a sudden, I had never heard the chickens talk like that. And my cats were all upright with wide eyes and ears going all directions. And then a fox ran out of the woods and tried to nab a chicken. At 1:30 on the afternoon. It was crazy. I've never seen a fox around here before this year. So I'm on hyper alert now. I've always trusted my cats to tell me when danger is around, I for sure knew something was up by their behavior. I just didn't expect a fox to come running at me. Lordy.

Man, I have a lot of doom and gloom left to talk about. But I'll leave this on a happy note and then I'm going to go clean my bathrooms and listen to quiet music (because of my stupid ear drums I can't do my usual really loud metal fest while cleaning). The lilacs are blooming, the peonies are close behind, I get to see my mom, aunt and cousin on Friday, the weather has been really nice and I have a momma raccoon again this year who comes to the door for food around 3 pm and then takes a long nap on the deck before returning to her babies for the night.


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