2020-05-30 - 10:05 p.m.

I have so much to write about. I don't know why I don't or haven't. I'll catch up one of these days but I suppose in the meantime...I'll just say, I have a good life.

I'm not even going to start with the work stuff and what a panic I'm in about it.

The cats are doing great. What a fantastic time to be one of my cats! I'm super grateful to be home right now so I can keep the whole raccoon dilema from happening again this year. Hopefully by the time I go back to work in a few weeks the raccons will have learned a new routine and won't be breaking into my house like they did last summer. That was awful.

So here's what I came here to talk about. I've lost all sense of time since the end of my marriage. Like, all sense of time. So if I say five years, it might be four years or it might be six years, I have no idea. Just take my units of time kind of lightly because they're off. So anyway, I've been invloved with a man for five years now. I was with him before I was divorced. He was not the catalyst for my divorce, that ship had been sinking for a long time. But he was a neat little distraction from that awfulness. I had a good time. But I get attached to people. And I liked so many of the things this person brought to my life. Except the fact that he's an asshole. I've basically kept him a secret for these five years. My family barely knows that he exists. And with keeping him a secret, I suppose I've also kept myself a secret. He's eight years younger than I am and I think I kept thinking that as he got older he would turn into a better person. But he didn't, hasn't, won't. I've only ever said to maybe two people on a couple occasions, "my boyfriend"(and I had to choke it out of myself to say it), otherwise I just avoid the subject or say, "my friend". As far as most people know, I've been single this whole time. But I wasn't. I did have a boyfriend. And he's an asshole. And I'm done. And I'm sad but I know this is it. I can't keep doing this to myself. He's been an asshole since day one. The worst part of this is that about a month ago he started kissing me on the forehead. Prior to this happening, I was pretty standoffish, as I just noted above. I didn't give him anything more than about 50% of what I can give. But kiss me on the forehead here and there and I'll melt. So he started doing that and all of a sudden I thought, hey, I should at least give this a real try. I've been with this guy for five years, I should give it a big go and see what happens. And so I did. I even told a couple friends about him and about my plan to make it a go. And not two days after I made this big announcement to two of my closest friends, he fucked it all up by being a bigger asshole than I could have imagined. And then blamed it on not feeling well. And, oh, I get that. I get not feeling well and being an asshole. But you have to have some niceness in your history to cover your assholery. And he has zero nicenesses. He got me a great birthday gift once. But he's an asshole. I don't regret anything. Everyone needs to have an asshole in their dating history, I suppose. I learned some things and had some nice times. But I'm done. My next boyfriend will be nice to me and adore me. Maybe listen to me when I say things like, "if I'm grouchy put me in a bath, make me some toast and then put me in a made bed." And kiss me on the forehead.


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