2018-12-31 - 11:52 p.m.

It's almost 2019. I've been a little sick in bed for the last couple days. Maybe I'm making more of my sickness than needed because I just needed to be in bed binge watching The Handmaid's Tale. But, whatever. I've been letting myself do whatever I want/need for a good while now. I'm pleased with that.

New Years Eve is hard for me. It was one of the hardest nights of my life five years ago? Four years ago? I don't even know because I've been in a bit of a fugue. But it was the night that I lost all my hope for my marriage and it began the end. I can still feel my rage from that night. And it was so long ago and there are so many stories between then and now. The good news about all of this is that I didn't let Eric disappear. I saw him yesterday. He had a bunch of leftover food from his family Christmas to give to the outdoor animals and I made him some garlic soup to help with his annual winter respiratory disaster. He is my family. I don't understand marriage or relationships. You love someone because you love them. Just because we didn't work together as a couple doesn't mean I love him less. I actually love him more now because I'm not so angry or frustrated. Anyway. New Years Eve. It was nice to just be home eating nourishing food with the kitties.

Work is fine. I want to start working days. I am going to start looking for a job. I would love to work days at my current job but those shifts are already solidly staffed. Maybe in a few years someone will retire...but I don't really think I can wait a few more years. I do LOVE being home every day and getting sunshine and all that...but this working nights is getting to be too much for me. I need my old breakfast job back. I would be home by 2 every day. It was a different life, for sure, I had to be up at 4 am...but my life now is different, too. Now I don't go to bed until 3 am and I sleep late. I'll figure it out. Hopefully by winning the lottery.

Kitties are good. I have a black clone and an orange clone hanging out on the outskirts of my yard and they get me confused. On Christmas morning I was supposed to leave for my mom's house around 1 but I saw that my black cat, Navin, was lurking by the trees still. I went out to get him in and he ran from me, which was weird...but I just waited a bit. Then I noticed that Navin was in his bed. So it was the clone black cat who made me an hour late. I will be TNR'ing them soon. Hopefully I can have someone else tend to it so I won't get attached.

I have been completely vegan since November 24 except for a bit of cheese I had to consume on December 26 because a very special person went out of their way to make a vegetarian tofu quiche for me.


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