2018-01-18 - 1:49 p.m.

Progress is slow. But I'm ok with that. I'm just laying as low as I can. Enjoying some peace and letting myself rebuild in a natural manner. I'm not forcing myself to do anything. I'm just letting my life fall into place. I have this luxury not having children or a career that I have to pay much attention to. Sometimes I feel wildy fortunate to live my life.

And then there are nights like last night when I feel like I made a huge, huge mistake with my career choices. I'm abused. I spend most of my work hours in a constant state of rapid movement, there is hardly any time for me to even go to the bathroom for five seconds most nights. And this restaurant is STILL so busy after all these years, it's even's in your face for your entire shift. Last night was particularly busy and lately there have been some very bad decisions about things being made. We had no backup or support at all last night. Things turned into a total shit show very rapidly. And a lot of our waitstaff SUCKS. Like, bad. And it's just getting worse. They keep hiring these people who obviously have no idea what they are doing and it's getting ridiculous. Anyway. It was a very hard night. So. When I woke up this morning I decided I was mostly going to just stay in bed until I have to go to work. Because tonight promises to be a shit show as well and I have two extra tables because one of the servers working tonight can't handle a full section. It's going to be bad. But being in bed is nice. I need to do this more often.

My cat Smudge passed away last week. I got him in 1997 as the cutest little six week old kitten you've ever met. He was a wonderful cat. He loved all other cats and he never did anything wrong. He has been in rough shape for the last year or so. But he still got up and did his normal things every single day. He loved food. In the past year, I discovered that he loved steak. So once a week I would either order one from work, or have someone grill one for me...or, if I forgot to do either of those things, I would cook it for him myself. And I threw up almost every single time. I am relieved that he is no longer that brittle old man cat. He had the most handsome face of any cat in the world and he retained that purely masculine and gorgeous face even though his body was so frail and his hair was impossible to keep groomed. I am also relieved that I will never have to cook a steak again. That was awful. Anyway. He died at home. I had a vet appointment for him Thursday morning because I knew he was rapidly declining. He died in his bed Wednesday night while I was at work. A huge part of my soul went with him. He was the last of my original kitties. He saw me through my adult hood up to this point. With his passing I had to say goodbye again to Oscar, Diamond, Smitten, Bear and Fishy. The seven of us had such a lovely life together for all those years. It's hard to let that part of me go.

I have to get ready for that stupid job now.


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