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2015-12-03 - 1:16 a.m.
Well. It's my birthday. I am now forty two. I cannot say this, or even think it, without bursting into tears. I am, and have been, at a very sad and strange and devastating point for a while now. A year ago right now was one of the most pivotal points of my life. I knew I had some choices I had to make. It was a now or never thing. And, after a few months of sheer agony and some serious mental upset...I got to my decision. And I've been rebuilding every since. It's not easy. I'm not ready to talk just yet. I'm not ready to tell you what I went through. But I went through it. And I put other people through it. And we're all still in it. So. I'm WAAAAYYYYY better than I was at this time last year. I have way more strength and resolve and I know that I am moving into a much happier and healthier time in my life. But I can't help but to pause with my old anxieties. I'm forty two now. I haven't even started. For real. There are no children. There isn't a career. All I have is a love of cooking and an innate and consuming need to make sure my cats are OK. So. This probably being the last time in my life that I am able...I took two weeks off of work. I don't notice a huge difference in my life except that I don't have a need to hurry right now. If I don't get to the dishes, it's not a big deal. I don't know. I hate going to work, I hate getting ready at a certain time and I hate being stuck someplace...but I guess I don't hate work as much as I thought I did. I sure miss having money. The opossum is still in the garage. I've given it a heating pad. I'm pretty sure he's gimpy, so I'm glad he's decided to live with me. Even if I have to clean up opossum poop every day. I leave the door open all day and almost every night but he doesn't leave. I suppose I need to start learning a lot more about opossum needs. I had my first pedicure ever tonight. It was pretty amazing. Why haven't I done that before? |
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