2014-12-16 - 12:18 p.m.

I have one goal today. And that is to go to the gym. I haven't been in a good, long while. And the reason is absurd. I need to pull it together, man.

I LIKE going to the gym. I hate cardio crap but I love working out on the weight machines. I don't know why. I just do. It appeals to my ADD type brain patterns. I can move around from machine to machine. On days when I'm particularly deficient in attention I can do one set of of reps and move to another machine and do another set and blah blah blah and do three circuits like that. But mostly I like to do three sets with little breaks between reps on the same machine. ANYWAY. It's very relaxing to me. I can do some thinking. I've always liked routine, as you know. A while ago (maybe a year, omg), my gym changed out all their machines. Which sent me into a panic. I walked in that first time after the moved everything and changed everything and I very nearly cried. But I did my workout anyway and didn't enjoy it one bit. The new machines are different than the others. The settings and the movements are drastically different. So on most of the machines I couldn't find the right setting and it got really annoying. AND I HAVEN'T GONE BACK SINCE.

So that is the only thing on my list today. Obviously I have a billion other things to do but I'm willing to enter into my work week with nothing accomplished as long as I get to the god damn gym today.

This week will be a difficult one. I had ten days off of work and when I went back last week I was instantly frazzled after only thirty seconds of walking in the door. I opened the door, feeling rather peaceful and mind quieted and found that the phone was ringing off the hook (literally, the hostess was on one line and two other lines were both ringing), and as I hustled by her to get to the other phone to answer one of the lines I saw there were a billion tables that needed to be cleaned and there was a couple walking in behind me that would surely want a booth and no booths were cleared and then I get to the phone and it's a recording and I was pissed and then I look up to find that the most annoying, needy, self absorbed woman in the world is sitting at the bar with her mouth already opened to tell me all her depressing woe is me stories. And then we were really busy all night, phone still ringing off the hook, lots of gift card sales, people drinking weird, labor intensive drinks in the name of being festive. The whole week was like that. I was pretty destroyed by Sunday. This week will be even worse. But then I have two weeks of light schedules. We are closed for Christmas Eve, Christmas and New Years Day. So Christmas week I will have a two day work week and New Years a three day work week since all of those days fall on my normally scheduled days. I can survive this. I'm already in a lot better shape than I was at this time last year. Last year at this time I was just two weeks away from possibly the biggest breakdown I've ever had or will ever have. I have my happy light now and I've been really focusing on sleeping as much as I need to. Sleep has been my top priority. It makes a huge difference. I've also been doing a lot of yoga. And it really helped to have my ten days off during my birthday week instead of Thanksgiving like I usually do.

I was a lax vegan during my birthday week and at Thanksgiving. But I'm back at it now. Every time I go off the vegan diet it gets easier to get back to it. My tastes are really changing now to prefer the vegan options. First it was changing to prefer olive oil on my popcorn instead of butter and now I've found a vegan cheese (although it would appear that it is such a popular new item that multiple Whole Foods ARE OUT OF IT AND I CAN'T GET IT RIGHT NOW) that I adore so I can have delicious grilled cheese sandwiches. Grilled cheese was always my downfall because when I get stressed or overwhelmed my go to food is a grilled cheese. I've also now been able to add another comfort food to my vegan list. Oatmeal (and other hot cereals). I like hot cereals only because I like to add milk, brown sugar and butter to it. Very specifically, I make a moat around the edge and add brown sugar and then I add milk and then, on the island of cereal created, I add butter so it melts down into the milk and brown sugar. I love those first few bites when the brown sugar is still a bit crunchy and you have warm, sweet milk with the fatty saltiness of the butter. I've been scared to veganize it for fear that I would find that I could never have hot cereal again. But it's just fine with soy milk and coconut oil. It was pretty good. So I have popcorn, grilled cheese and oatmeal back in my life in vegan form and that makes things so much better.


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