2014-10-24 - 10:35 p.m.

This morning I had my Sully put to sleep. This is the fourth cat I have lost since March. I am completely shattered. I have to toughen up, I have six more in this age group. Thankfully none of them show any signs of illness other than Smudgie's diabetes. I had a talk with them all today. I told them that I need a little time for myself without heartbreak and worry. I hope they understood me.

I'm getting better at holding myself together. I was even able to speak a few words this morning, without crumpling. It wasn't until I got home and upon opening the door had the feeling that I just needed to get into bed and cuddle with my Oscar that I lost it. Because Oscar died two weeks ago. I've been feeling pretty empty and hollow all day. My boss covered my shift at work and I've just been wandering around all day, resuming the task I started two weeks ago when Oscar died and a few days before I discovered there was something very wrong with Sully. Just picking up the evidences of tragedy. Storing fluids and vials of medicines. Organizing needles and syringes, getting rid of little piles of food we would place wherever Sully went in hopes that he would eat. Getting rid of plates of egg yolks all over the house (he and Oscar both loved egg yolk and it was my last ditch effort with both of them) and putting blankets in big, bleachy loads of wash in an effort to just....cleanse. Cleanse.

I made a dinner of my favorite lentil stew and mashed potatoes and parsley root. Eric brought me wine and a special bottle of Sauternes. I am nourished and relaxed. I bought some magazines for the bathtub (Real Simple, Self) and I have magazines for bed (Mental Floss, Scientific American, Harpers). I have to work tomorrow but then I can be off for three days. I will sleep, bathe, read and eat. I will clean and I will fill my empty spots with exercise and other healthy things. It's time for me to be good to myself now.


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