2014-10-05 - 2:12 a.m.

A woman called me over to her table tonight. I wasn't waiting on her or anything but she specifically called me over to the table and said this. "Your dimples are adorable." To which I replied (as I always do), "I don't have dimples, (and then I flash a big dimpled smile) but thank you." She then continued to say, "...they are adorable now but when you get older they will be nothing but big wrinkles. That's the bad news," she said, "but when you get a facelift, they will come right back, so that's good." Uh. Well. I was pretty taken aback and rather speechless at this point so she went on to tell me that dimples are actually birth defects, deformities, in fact. So great. That was a lovely thing. Oh my god I can't wait to retire.

Oscar is doing....fine? Fine I guess. I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to figure out how to let him go in the next few days. He's so done with me giving him medicine. He's still fine with my administering the fluids but he hates it when I give him medicine. And he doesn't need to deal with this. He doesn't. I need to let him go. I've been spending a tremendous amount of time with him. We've been watching a movie every day for about a week now. That's his favorite thing, to sit here with me while I watch a movie. I've also been sleeping in. Which has been wonderful. I wake up in the morning when I'm supposed to and he's curled up in my arm and I just decide to go back to sleep. It's been nice. But I know it's time to let go. It's so much better to do this while he's still relatively comfortable. If I let this go on much longer I don't know that he'll still be feeling even a little bit OK. This is really, really horrible. I've been thinking about this time for at least a decade now. I never imagined it would be this tremendously difficult for me. I remember saying once, ten years or so ago when Oscar first got really sick with that awful stomatitis, "he's going to pull through this and he's going to live to be twenty and die from something routine like kidney failure." I remember saying that. And, at that time, it sounded so wonderful that my cat should live to twenty and die from something "normal". But shit. It's just as awful as anything else would be at any age. I love this cat. I really, really love this cat.

I don't much of anything else right now but I do know that I, we, are sleeping in tomorrow like crazy.


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