2013-12-29 - 1:54 a.m.

I'm starting to lose focus in a major way. I am over loaded. I need to take a step back. I need to focus. I'm forgetting things lately. I never do that. I am having a hard time problem solving, I also never have a problem with that. I caught myself, a few days ago (and I was half asleep but still) struggling over the word substitution. This is scary shit. I am promising myself that after this week (baby shower, a trip to Kalamazoo and one more hellish work week of holiday crazed people) I am going to stop and focus on getting my brain back together. I am a mess. I have to speak with Eric about this. He's going to need to comply with my need for peace. I'm going to need a couple months of routine and boredom.

I had a meltdown last night. Maybe you read my deleted entry. If you did, be assured that it was warranted, I only deleted it because I need to let it go. It happened and I just need to make sure that it doesn't happen again. Actually, the thing about it is that I don't care if it does happen long as it doesn't happen when I'm already feeling trampled upon. I need to start feeling like I have a partner. I need to also feel like we are mostly living like adults. I remember thinking about the prospect of being married right after Eric and I got engaged. I remember being kind of relieved knowing that soon I would be sharing life with somebody and that I wouldn't have to do dishes every day. So it's kind of a big deal to me that I have, in fact, continued to do dishes every day. A few weeks ago I called Eric while I was driving to work and said, "sorry the house is such a disaster, I had a busy day, didn't get to the dishes even..." and he said, "that's OK.". And when I got home from work the dishes were still waiting in the sink for me. This is an issue. I would like to be with somebody who wants to make my life easier. Even if it's just one day a year.


My mind is frazzled. I'm looking forward to February when things will be slow at work. I love February. The days get a bit longer but there's still snow. I can think about my garden but not quite acknowledge that I will hate my garden in July when it's too hot to deal with it. February is lovely. If you could see how the light is in my house in February you would also love February.

The cats are being lovely right now. Nobody wants to go outside and it's so nice to not worry about that. Rudy, actually, I've decided that his name will be spelled Rudey just to make sure the RUDE part of it is clear because he is being so very rude to me, has been a jackass. He is very feral. I've made a mess of this whole thing. I thought that once I got him into the garage on a regular basis that he would get used to me and I would be able to catch him, get him fixed and tested for FIV and vaccinated...but no. Nope. He only comes to the garage for food now. Every once in a while I will look on the camera and find him asleep in the cat bed with the heating pad. But even though the garage is open at all times for him...he's not using it as his safe spot. And when he does find his way in to the warm, safe spot, he hisses at me when I get near him. So I just don't know what to do. I have to catch him somehow before February so I can get him fixed before cats go into heat. I can't catch him in a live trap (tried numerous times) and I can't get near him. Sigh.

So that is all.


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