2013-06-12 - 1:03 a.m.

Well, I have another god damn cat crisis. And the day had been going so well. I got up early enough to do my stuff and have tea before I had to go to the vet today. Everything was going really well. Had my clothes ready, purse ready, to-go tea cup about twenty minutes before I had to leave I got dressed and brushed my teeth and then put the first of the car carriers on the table to load the cat and BAM...knocked over a glass candle holder which OF COURSE broke and shattered directly into the water fountain for the cats. So I had to immediately empty that and sweep up glass. Then I loaded the cats up and got them to the car and turn the car on and realize that I didn't get gas this past Sunday like I planned because Eric and I went out together to run errands in his car. And to make things turns out that Ernest is the worst cat EVER in a car. He was awful. He wailed the entire trip, back and forth. And he pooped and he peed and he screamed and knocked the carrier about. And I had to stop and get fucking gas. Anyway. I got them to the vet. Ernest had his shots and got micro chipped. Daisy got a steroid for some weird rash that is on her ears. Then I came home and spent the next six hours cleaning and organizing and getting ready for the week. Clothes laid out, meals planned, dishes washed and put away, tea restocked, laundry done, blah blah blah. I had it set so I could get in bed tonight and sleep well and get up tomorrow with no troubles, no worries so I could exercise and eat and go to work and come home and sleep and get up and exercise and eat and go to work and come home and sleep and (by Friday I'll need to clean again so the repetition stops here).


Sully didn't come home tonight.

This has only happened once in the three years he's been here. I am freaking out. For one thing, he hasn't had his medicine today. For another thing...he shouldn't be not at home. It is not like him. Something is wrong. I won't sleep tonight except that I have to because I'll have to get up early to make fliers and I'll have to be out there early to wander the neighborhood looking for him. And I have to work tomorrow night. It's unlikely that I could find someone to work for me and anyway...I can't get rid of any shifts for the rest of my life because I spent six hundred dollars at the vet today and last week I spent four hundred dollars for a new water softener tank and I am totally broke and going backwards again. So fuck.

Anyway. So what I am doing right now is wasting time. I am watching my security camera obsessively, I've set it up in the garage which I have left open for Sully. So I can't really read or even watch a movie because every five seconds I have to look at my phone to watch the camera. I am also looking through facebook pictures of my old friends from high school. I just came across a picture of me from my ten year high school reunion and I am a babe. A total babe. And it is making me feel like shit for a number of reasons. For one thing. I am not currently a babe. I am bothered about this thought because I, at the same time, would like to be a babe again and would also like to not be so vain that I am bothered by my lack of babe-ness. I was really pretty in this picture. And I am so upset because I remember very clearly that I felt like shit that night. That I felt fat and ugly and I almost didn't go to the reunion because not only did I not have anything to show for myself in terms of achievement but I was also fat and ugly. But I wasn't fat and ugly! And why the hell do I (or did I) care anyway!? And how do I stop caring? And wait, should I not care? Shouldn't I want to look nice? And not all haggy and lumpy like I do right now? I'm gross. I have a double chin. I have this weird, pasty, lumpy belly which is WEIRD and gross. Good lord I need to just exercise. Why can't I get my shit together to just exercise?

I do not want to go to work tomorrow. I can't believe my "weekend" is already over. How can it possibly go by so quickly? And I have an extra day than normal people in my weekend (except that I spend an entire day cleaning the house which I consider NOT a day off) so how do normal people survive this life? Ye gads.

This cat is not going to come back tonight. It is not like him to just not come home. Which means that he is either locked in someplace or something happened to him. I wish I could let the reality of this dictate what I am going to do. I should just go to bed. And wake up in the morning and print fliers and go door to door. I should not wait up all night and then go out and do that. I need to sleep. But I know I won't.


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