2013-04-26 - 12:42 a.m.

I'm a fucking wreck. It's a good thing I am not a parent because I would be a total disaster. These cats man, these cats. Eric is gone again so when I get ready for work it's check this check that double check this double check that count the cats a billion times did I lock the doors did I turn the stove off blah blah blah? By the time I leave the house I feel like I've been run over by fifty semis and my eyes are bugging out of my head. It's nice to have somebody come home a few hours after you leave for work. It's SUPER nice to have that. I used to be this stressed in my old life too. I remember driving home every day after work sure that I would pull onto my street to find my house burned down or one of my cats run over (did I REALLY used to keep the cat door open for them ALL DAY? Yes, yes I did). Anyway, today I was already a wreck because I woke up late and my chores were off schedule and I had (have) no food in the house so I kind of had to improvise my lunch (which is my "big" meal} and then as I was leaving I couldn't find one of the cats. !!!!!!! So I got my flashlight out and searched under everything and called for him and shook treat bags and man, I had to GO! I was so late! So I gave up looking and got in my car and then got to the end of the road and turned around and came back and looked some more and then I was REALLY going to be late so I left with the thought that he always, ALWAYS eventually ends up on the couch which is where our camera points to so surely I would get to work and tune into the camera and there he would be. But no. He never once made an appearance on camera. Not once all night. I was a wreck at work. I was obsessively checking the camera to see if he was there yet and we were SO slow tonight so I was basically just pacing about with nothing to do but think that shit, maybe he somehow got outside and now I've left the cat out all night and he's probably scared and feeling abandoned and I suck, I should just walk out and go home.


So. I sped home, driving much faster than I like to drive. It was a torture night. I had no business so I for eight hours I was just trapped and so when I was finally released I just bolted. I flew home and burst in the door and there he was. Just sleeping in a chair.

So now I'm totally wound up. I'll probably watch TV for the next three hours instead of doing anything productive because I just feel that I now need to be a zombie.

I need to go to a psychologist. And not just because of this sort of behavior. I just really need it right now. I sure hope I wake up in the morning and actually start pursuing that. I hope I make some calls but I know I won't. I can't figure out our health insurance for one thing. I don't even know who we are insured by really and Eric has been too busy to help me figure it out. I need to go to the doctor, the dentist, a sports doctor because physically I am FUCKED UP (back, knees, shoulder) and I should probably go to an ears nose and throat dr too since my ears have been clogged for about three years now. OMG! I'm FREAKING OUT.



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