2013-02-22 - 12:07 p.m.
I am not having good, positive feelings about my sick cat. I am actually sick with anxiety about him. He's not getting better with all the treatments. I don't know what I am going to do now. I have a terrible time with euthanasia. Although I know it is humane...I can't help but to not want to ever have to make that decision again. I know he's an old cat. He's fifteen-ish. He had a hard life before he came to us. His body has all sorts of hardships within it. His body is probably tired and achy and because he is not getting better with the treatments it probably means he has cancer somewhere. But what if he doesn't? What if I were to make that decision to have him euthanized and he didn't have cancer? What if the vet is just missing something and I could have fixed him and kept him for another five years? I can't bear to think about life without him. I mean, that's obvious...we all know that...but really, I can't bear it. I don't know what to do. I'll have to take him back in next week and I need to come to some peace before I do that. I cannot go through another ordeal like I did with my Bubby. It's been three years since I had to have him euthanized and I still have agonizing bouts of doubt about it. Even though I know that he couldn't breathe on his own and that it was very unlikely that he would have made it through the pneumonia anyway and that the reason he had pneumonia in the first place was because something was wrong with his lungs. I need to do whatever I can to make sure I am at peace with the euthanasia decision. These next years are going to be the hardest years of my life. All of my cats except three are over the age of fifteen. (and if you knew how many cats I have you would know that that means I have a LOT of senior cats)
The good-ish news is that I have my first ever "vacation" coming up next week. I am off for ten days. In the five years we have been back in the US I have only had a handful of times when I had five days off in a row. Never more than five and really, it's only been a few times that I have had five days off. I do only work four days a week now, so that is good...but really, I've not had an extended amount of time off work in five years. It will be good to have some space in which to think about all this cat stuff. It will be good to just not be in a hurry every god damn day. I'm not making any lists of things to do this time. I am going into this with no expectations. The only thing I really HAVE to do is find a picture I've been looking for. It's in an album somewhere and I cannot find it and it's been driving me crazy. At least once a week for the past six months or so I start tearing through boxes looking for that damn album.
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