2011-11-10 - 10:24 p.m.

I've been working too much again. I am scared to tell them that I JUST WANT FOUR DAYS because I'm afraid they'll give me the worst four days and take away my lucrative Saturday. But hell...I really just want four days. The important thing here is that I wanted to work less because I NEED to work less. I have thirteen cats and a husband who works twelve hours a day. I need to be home more. Things are already better because I am working less just because the hours are shorter even though I am still at work five days a week. But they need to get even better. I am able to make food now, which is good...I feel a lot better and I've already lost about ten pounds because I am back to eating healthy homemade things instead of stuffing my face with pasta salad in a hurry because I am starving to death. I am also able to keep up a little better with the housework...once I give this house the BIG clean (which is occuring tomorrow hopefully) it should be easier to keep up with. I cannnot believe what a disaster it became in the last year. I haven't cleaned the cupboards in over a year. That's bad. So now what I need time for is exercise and me time. So I need to work four days. That's it.


I've lost a bit of weight and I am happy because that sixteen pounds I gained during my cheese years was annoying as fuck. I like it when I lose weight because once I start losing it I get all control freaky and I miss control freaky. I know, that's probably not a good get happy about a control issue over weight. But I love it.

The cats are all good. We spent a silent day yesterday thinking about Bubby who died two years ago yesterday. I miss that cat so much and I still obsess over the entire thing too much. I keep thinking about the what ifs...what if I had taken him to a different emergency vet? What if I had not listened to my vet when she told me that spending time with him at the vet might stress him out more and agitate the asthma thing more? I should have been there more than I was. When Oscar went into his coma and they didn't think he was going to pull out of it I draped myself over him and stood that way for four hours until his body heat returned...I should have breathed for Bubby. I know I have to let it go...especially because I have to do this thirteen more times (at least). I just hope that I don't have so many what if with the rest of them.

I get knocked down so easily these days.


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