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2011-04-23 - 6:50 a.m.
I am really hoping I can stay at this job for as long as possible. I am pretty sure as long as possible, however, is not going to be long at all. In fact, I am pretty certain I will not even make it until July like I had wanted. It�s devastatingly awful there. A lot of it, I�m sure, has to do with the fact that I don�t have any idea what the weather is like outside from the time I step in the doors in the morning until I leave at night. No windows=my death. Anyway. It�s awful. I don�t want to talk about it any more. But I probably will. In other news. I have decided that I am going to Maine at the end of September. My only friend at my job is a fifty five year old lesbian who has an organic farm she operates from April until November. I�ve been invited to come and stay for as long as I want. It looks fabulous from the pictures I�ve seen. Dream like. Exactly what I need. I will be required to work�and she says I will work my ass off�but that�s good. I would like to be a farmer for a week. Get up early, see the sunrise over the mountains, dig in the dirt, play with the pigs. Earlier this year I had told her that I was going to come there NEXT year. Because this year I am working diligently on paying off this debt shit and putting myself in a position of power. But damn, I am so sick of this shit. I�ve been on this ride for too long now. Must get off for a second. Eric is going to Paris in a couple weeks and while it�s pretty easy for me to start thinking about the fact that the money he is spending for this trip could be put towards so many other things�fixing my car, doing one of the hundreds of house projects we want to do, PAYING OFF DEBT, etc�I know it is something he NEEDS to do. I understand that, I get that. It�s time for a soul charge. I WANT him to do it because I WANT him to at least get some semblance of his former self back. So why shouldn�t I want that for myself? Why should I allow myself to suck even more of my soul away just to pay off debt, what? Two months sooner? So I�ll lose five hundred dollars of pay and I�ll probably spend another five hundred. So fucking what. I need it. I need an alone trip for myself. What I really need is to change pretty much every aspect of my life. How many times can I tell myself that things are just not working as they are before I actually do something about it? I am sick of myself. I am sick of feeling dread upon waking.. I need a fucking vacation. What I would really like is a week off RIGHT NOW so I can clean this house and put shit in order. We are still not unpacked. Seriously. There are still boxes in the garage. Ugh. Anyway. I woke up early this morning. With enough time to drink my coffee, do laundry, wash dishes and write in my diary land before going to work. Like I used to back in the day when my life clicked with me. Hopefully this little change will help my attitude today. I can�t wait to be done with work for the day today. It�s going to be busy and customers are GROUCHY right now. Assholes, in fact. Tomorrow Eric and I are going to attempt to have a nice day at home. Eggs Benedict for breakfast (I�ve perfected homemade hollandaise finally! And I can even eat it, raw yolks and all!), snacks all day (hummus and corn cakes and tomato basil bruschetta) and risotto for dinner. We�re going to play board games and watch movies and rest. I hope it pours rain all day. That would be awesome. That is all. |
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