2010-09-22 - 3:49 p.m.

Trying to pull it together is difficult, man.

I panicked the other day when I was bored and annoyed at work the other day. I like my job, it's a perfect place for me to be just now...I pretty much do whatever I want to do as long as I keep the cheese happy and work my 40 hours a week. I get to have my snacks all day and drink my tea all day and that's very important to me. But the reality of the job is that it is B.O.R.I.N.G. and uninspiring and I'm already sick of people messing up my straight lines when they plow through my displays looking for the longest expiration dates. And, the people I work with are not nice. I mean, they are nice to me but they aren't nice people. At all. They are all pretty much everything I hate about the human race. Except the teenagers, the teenagers are all (mostly) decent and funny. ANYWAY. I had a panic attack because in the past when I would be in one of my lamenting pity parties for myself about my career path (or, I should say, lack of) I would always be able to tell myself that I would go to school! Become something! I always had hope. But the reality is that my current financial situation would never allow me to go to school. I could not pay my monthly bills without the job I have now and I couldn't possibly add more debt to my current debt pile by adding school to my expenses. It will be at least two years before I am free and clear of debt. And then I will be 39. Not too old to go to, but I won't be able to find a job as a 46 year old novice. And two years from now will definitely make me too old to start thinking about getting a family AND going to school. I'm pretty much fucked now as far as hope goes. I can't go to school (not that I would) and I won't ever have children (not that I would). I'm already having bouts of depression about my elderly self who will probably mostly be exactly like my current self. I will be working at a crappy job because I have no money and never got an education and I will be entirely alone (because Eric has stated on thousands of occasions that he has no desire to grow old). I am quite devastated.

So I'm trying to pull it together. You know, maybe try to make ONE thing work in my life. I used to like to be at home because I liked my house. I hate my house now. It's ugly. I hate ugly. I need pretty. I need to stop worrying about what Eric will think and just paint.

Today I intended to clean and get rid of some clutter so I could start painting and I've been dinking around all day. Because I suck. Utterly.



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