2010-06-11 - 4:53 p.m.

My, "starting a new job" coldsore came late. Normally it happens in the first two weeks. Now I am riddled with it in the fifth week. Annoying. I thought I had made it past some stress point. But apparently not. I think my stress is coming now because I am considering already asking for a promotion. You see. The grocery manager quit and I've already mastered my job enough to be able to take over that department too. The problem is that I don't want to admit that my current position does not require forty hours a week (which is what my salary is based on). Because if they didn't want me to take over the grocery department they would then be wondering if they are paying me too much to dink around. (because I am already dinking around just to fill my 40 hours) I am a super efficient human being...and I wish THAT could be taken into consideration. I can do a forty hour a week job in thirty hours. Possibly twenty five. I am not being arrogant, this is just the way it is. I was a breakfast waitress for eight years. You learn things. Most people would need the forty hours to do my cheese job, I do not. So I want to take over another department IN ADDITION to my cheese department so I can fill my hours with work and no dink. Anyway. This is stressing me out. I know that I should be asking for this promotion but I lack the courage to do so. Because I am just afraid of admitting that I can't fill forty hours. Because I love my job and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize it.

In other news. I am back on the pill. We will all remember when I went off it eleven years ago and put myself through a decade of hell? Each month thinking that surely, SURELY this will be the month my body regulates itself and I return to normal. Yeah, well. I've had it. The pill it is. Even though that stresses me out too. I never minded being on the pill (although I did get headaches), what I minded was coming off the pill and the horrible thing that happened to my skin. I am still very traumatized by that. And, of course, the cramps and other horrible things. Hopefully I can just stay on the pill now until I reach menopause. Because I am so done. I want to enjoy the last years of youth without being wrecked by hormones.

In other other news. Eric is in Spain right now. I am all sorts of messed up about it. For one thing, I WISH I WERE THERE! I knew the day would come when I was ready to go back, I really didn't expect it to be a mere two years. I don't miss living there, but I do miss the people, places and things that I had when I was there. I wouldn't have ever known those things had I not lived there, so I guess I have to admit that I am grateful to have lived there. Eric says that it seems like no time has passed. He was reaching for his house keys when his taxi passed the exit to our old house. Everybody there remembers us, one of the bar owners asked Eric if I had made a cake for him yet, the veterinarians all stopped work to come out and talk to Eric, the petstore guy was happy to see him etc,. I would love to be there. If I hadn't of just started my new job I would have gone with. We have frequent flier miles and the hotel would have been mostly covered (it's a work trip but he's taking the weekend extra). I can't wait to go back and VISIT.

I am also all sorts of messed up because this is the longest Eric and I have been apart since we moved into this house. It's very weird. I miss him more than I could have ever imagined. At the same time, I needed some solitude. But I am not using my solitude wisely because I MISS HIM. So that pisses me off. In the old days, when I was used to being alone, I would have been using this time to do important things. Instead I am kind of just wallowing in various disparities. Sigh.

In other other other news. My garden is not even close to where I want it to be at this point in the season. So I gotsta go.


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