2010-06-05 - 10:50 a.m.

Itís been a long time coming, itís been a slow spiral towards this day, I should have been more prepared for it than I am, should have had some sort of back up plan ready. As it would turn out, I can no longer clean my house. I mean. At all. Something inside my brain has absolutely turned itself against cleaning. I can barely load the dishwasher anymore without feeling this huge weight of burden crushing my soul. Itís killing me, this lack of cleaning. I am a notorious pig, but I am also a fantastic cleaner. Iíve often believed that the reason I am such a slob is because I like nothing more than having an utter mess on your hands that you can clean up. Itís progress, you know. In a life where I donít make progress. I also like being able to relax in a perfectly clean house. I canít relax in a disaster. Which would explain why my nerves are rather shot right now. My house is a total disaster. Does this imply that my life is a total disaster? Yes, it might.

In other depressing news. I accidentally killed one of my fish the other day. One of the worst feelings Iíve ever had. I saved that poor fish from Meijer just months ago and he was so very happy here. And then I killed him. Murder, really. I had just cleaned his bowl and I was putting him back in and he jumped from the net just as I took my hand off it to release him in the water. He jumped right into the sink full of hot, soapy water. And I couldnít get him out in time because I couldnít fucking see him through the soap bubbles. When I finally managed to get himÖit was too late. He lived for about fifteen minutes in his clean bowl and then died. I feel horrible. His name was Nathan and he was a good fish. I think part of the reason I feel so bad about it (other than the fact that it is a horrible thing) is that normally I wouldnít have had a sink full of hot soapy water because I NEVER use soap to clean the fish bowls. But for some reason, this time I felt like the bowl needed a good scrubbing with hot, soapy water. Another thing I had done differently was that normally I dump the fish back into their bowls from the little bowl I keep them in when I am cleaning their homes. So I only have to use the net once, to get them from their bowl to the clean water of the little bowl. But this time when I got Nathan from him bowl he had a bunch of old food with him in the net and I didnít want to add that to the clean water so I used the net twice. If I had just stayed with my usual process none of this would have happened.

But then, I wouldnít have rescued Silvio from Meijer yesterday. Silvio is my new fish. He was in a dirty cup with about an inch of water and between cups that held dead fish. So welcome, Silvio. I hope I donít kill you too.

I am still loving my job. Obviously it has itís bad points and obviously there are going to be people I donít care for. But the actual job part of it is fantastic. I am very happy. It is an entirely different feeling for me to not dread going to work. I donít mind being there at all and am actually finding that on my days off I am looking forward to going to work the next day. So it will be sad if I have to quit. But I might have to. I got my first pay check yesterday and itís about $250 less than what I said my MINIMUM salary requirement should be. Which would be $500 less a month than what I need to survive happily. Not acceptable. I am feeling somewhat deflated because there were two very important things promised to me when I was hired. One was the salary and the other was my cheese assistant. She works two days a week when I am off and the other three days she is a cashier. I was told that as far as scheduling goes, the cheese department gets her first and if she is not needed there, the next department to get claim of her time is the office (the department the cashiers belong to) and finally, if the cheese department or the office donít need her, the butcher shop can then snatch her up. So far Iíve maintained the ďusualĒ schedule of my predecessor who took Wednesdays and Saturdays off. But in July I have concert (SCORPIONS!!) that is very important to me and that same weekend is Ericís birthday. So I went to the office and told the office manager that I needed K to work July 2 and 5 and I was told NO. No. Without even a hesitation. She told me that K DID NOT belong to me first that she belonged to the office first. So basically, I donít even have the cheese assistant I was told I had and I canít take any days off except for Wednesday and Saturday. The office manager told me that she couldnít spare K on fourth of July weekend. Even though I would have been freeing Kís Saturday up so the stupid office manager could have had her for the 3rd of July (because I would have been trading my Saturday off for a Friday off instead) which is surely going to be busier than the 2nd, right? Itís so annoying. I am going to have a discussion about all of this but so far I am too fired up to do so. And now that this salary thing is in play, I am REALLY fired up. So I gotta settle down a bit first. But the cheese! Wow. Itís a great job. I already brought in five new cheeses and itís all very exciting. And I spend my days in quiet, solitary laborÖwhich is a dream. I spent four hours the other day all by myself in the cooler just rearranging things (and finding about 100 pounds, no exaggeration) of cheese that needed to be thrown out =(, so sad). I am doing a lot of physical labor, cheese is not for the weak. I have to haul around 75 lb wheels of cheese and then cut it all which requires some muscle. I lift boxes all day and take the 40 pound bucket of feta back and forth to the cooler at least 3 times a day. But I am so much LESS physically exhausted now. Bartending and being a waitress are, apparently, very abusive to bodies. I think for me it might be more about the social interaction. I seem to get a lot taken out of me when I have to talk to people.


Thatís enough time wasted avoiding cleaning. Should probably get to it.


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