2008-09-16 - 5:29 a.m.
Oh...there is angst again. (even angst ridden though, nothing can deter me from being utterly euphoric about the weather and about the pretty, prettiness my home is currently transforming into)
Last night E. came home frustrated from work (nothing new) and dejectedly stated that he was going to have his headhunter sent out his resume. To Portland. Portland...OREGON. Which made me dizzy with panic.
This is a weird situation. I can't expect him to wallow in misery forever just because I want to stay put. Because I want to complete a home and live in it until I get sick of it. (like Vicksburg, I was ready to leave Vicksburg when I did and while I still get occasional pangs of homesickness, it's more like pangs of time-sickness. I miss the perfection of my days back then.) Anyway. If I truly thought he would be happy in Portland, that I would be able to root myself there and paint walls without thinking it a waste of time and energy...I would go. I would go happily. But the truth is that I DON'T think he will be happy there. I'm not sure he will ever be happy. I think he might have a case of the time-sickness too. He was happy when he was working in France. Things were good when he was in France. I wish he could just be patient and know that perfect doesn't come easily. Nor does it just appear out of no where. Perfect is many layers. I wish he could see that there are things he could do, right now, even though his job is crappy and he hates everything about it. "Go to school," I say, "then you will have homework to work on while you are being bored and unhappy at work," but that idea didn't fly. "Invent something," I say, "while you are sitting idle at your desk for eight hours a day," and I get a look like I am ridiculous.
I just need to get my shit together. I need to get a job where I am comfortable so I can go to school. So I can get a good job so he doesn't have to be the only one with health insurance and money. So he can decide to take a chance without worrying that we will lose everything. It's going to take time. I just hope he can be patient, that he can find something to do HERE, not in Portland or Ashville or anywhere else while I am trying to put my (our) life together.|
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